Rant

Rant blog

So one may think that me being (still!!!!!) a 20-something this wouldn't bother me, but it does. Maybe it's because of where I work or I want to respect others and feel completely disrespected when they do this to me. I don't know but I've gotten more vocal. Still wondering what I'm talking about???


Drive thru, lobby, whatever I hate ... no maybe even loathe people who expect me to complete their transaction while they chat with a friend on their cell phone!!!! Even WORSE is someone on a blue tooth and I don't see it. Are you talking to me?? Then I get the face of - are you kidding me? While they point to the blue tooth. Yes, I do have a cell phone AND a blue tooth but they are used in the right location. If I need to ask a question when I'm at the store, it's quick then focus on the cashier. 

In the lobbies of my bank there is a sign that tells customers to end all cell phone conversations prior to seeing a teller. I am not your maid, do not get my attention by tapping your fingers, and don't tell me to wait. I AM a bank teller, I will process your transaction with ease and get you out the door so you can finish your important phone call. I may ask you to end your call, or wait on the person behind you. There are times I do need to ask questions and I WILL interrupt your phone call ---- ON PURPOSE!!!!!


While I'm ranting..... I do not want to know your personal drama. Quite frankly, I don't care. I will put on a polite smile and pray to God that you quickly leave. Again, I am a bank teller, not a therapist. What you and your family do behind closed doors needs to stay there, please! I beg you. Yes, we do try to develop professional relationships with customers to make sure their needs are being met. But we don't need - or want - to know everything. 

Last, don't be an arse. Here are a few more of my personal pet peeves:


1. No rolled coin in the drive thru means JUST that. At my branch I have to carry my drawer with YOUR rolled coin up stairs, down the hall, open a door with a security code, and then sit it down. It's too heavy. And, no, I will not get rolled coin from my station upstairs for you. 

2. There is a limit as to how much money we can take at certain times. Two examples: after the lobby is closed, you will only get $1,000.00 at the drive thru. Why? We do NOT have unlimited resources. There are other people in the world besides yourself. Second example - there is a chance that the check you are trying to cash, we don't have the currency for you. I had to use this example for a customer yesterday. We order what we need, just like a restaurant. They wouldn't order more food because the food would spoil. We don't order more currency and coin than we need to service our customers. If you want to take out thousands of dollars in currency --- call ahead. 

3. Have your stuff together. It is not my job to fill out your deposit slip. It is my job to verify and make sure it is correct. Don't know how? Ask. We are more than happy to teach how to do things correctly. If you want your bills back a certain way either write it down, or say so BEFORE I start to count back your money. 

4. I am the bank teller. Don't question my job. There are reasons I have to do things a certain way. I want to protect you, your money, and your credit. If it's an odd transaction for you or the check looks funny, I will ask questions. 

5. You are at the bank. I can tell you if the phone company, credit card company, gas company, etc has presented your check. I can not tell you if you are late or if you will have something turned off. 

6. Please and thank you will get you almost whatever you want. Be polite to me and I will be polite to you. Manners will win you over. Try "may I" versus "gimme". 

If you stayed with me until the end, I hope you were able to find humor in my frustrations. I really do enjoy what I do, but there are days I need to vent :)

I'm not broken!!!

So I'm normal, not broken and ready to conceive a baby :) as long as we don't have another miscarriage we will try to do things as naturally as possible. We feel ready to move to the next phase. She suggested eating a healthy diet, exercising, taking prenatal vitamins, and drinking lots of fluids. Basically things I am, and need to continue, to make a part of my life. Shannon and I agree that if we have a third miscarriage in this phase of our lives then we would seek help from a fertility specialist. Hearing what the doctor had to say made us feel better knowing that the miscarriages may have been God's way of preventing more heart ache later. Her biggest advice -- don't stress. Yes, that is much easier said than done and advice I have heard a lot the past year. 

We would have loved to have a medical reason for the miscarriage, but early miscarriages happen so often with little to no reason. Our doctor didn't seem too worried which also puts us more at ease with our situation.

It is my hope that the next few months I will be able to bring some good news to you. Stay tuned :) 

Silence

SILENCE 

Jars of Clay 

The Eleventh Hour

Take, take till there’s nothing, nothing to turn to. 

Nothing when you get through. 

Won’t you break, scatter pieces of all I’ve been. 

Bowing to all I’ve been running to. 

I, I got a question, I got a question - Where are you? 

 Did you leave me unbreakable? 

Leave me frozen? 

I’ve never felt so cold. 

I thought you were silent. 

I thought you left me for the wreckage and the waste. 

On an empty beach of faith. 

Was it true? 

Scream, deeper I wanna scream. 

I want you to hear me, I want you to find me. 

I want to believe but all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone. 

I, I got a question, I got a question - Where are you? Where are you?

I love Jars of Clay. The lyrics have a way of penetrating your soul, breaking your spirit, but also lifting you up to the point of dancing. On our way home from church today Shannon mentioned this song to me.. This goes hand in hand with a sermon about doubt. Asking, pleading to God -- where are you? Why did you leave me? When in reality, it's the silence that can bring the healing. Silence isn't always a bad thing.. There's a comfort in being with others and not needing to fill the emptiness with a voice or a conversation. I am starting to learn that in the silence is when our questions may be answered. 

In October, so many people were pregnant, and I think instead of sharing the amazing experience of new life I'm going to be flying solo with the next pregnancy. This month, Audrey has let her terrible 3's fly and I am believing God knows we couldn't handle her and a newborn at the same time. By the time another baby does roll around --- I am believing and putting faith in God that we will carry another full term baby --- she will be potty trained, a helper, and almost 4 :) 

I'd much rather leave you, or rather myself, on a positive note. Regardless of what's going on, God will be there.. Here's another Jars of Clay song ---

GOD WILL LIFT UP YOUR HEAD
traditional words by Paul Gerhardt (trans. John Wesley, alt. by Jars of Clay) / music by Jars of Clay

Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head

Doubt

Psalm 10:17 (Contemporary English Version)

You listen to the longings of those who suffer. You offer them hope, and you pay attention to their cries for help.

For all of you folks who were at Life House East (LHE) today... you know what was said in the service. We debated about staying home today. I am so glad we rushed around and decided to go to church. It was one of those days I was glad I didn't have a lot of time to get ready because most of my make up was in a tissue by the end of the service. 

Doubt. Fear. Unknown. Worry. I used to think of those words as a bad thing... however, after today I am changing those words to also include trust, faith and obedience. Today was a message I needed to hear. It's ok for me to have doubts, worries, fears because those feelings also are bringing me closer to God -- having faith, hope, and obedience.

Let me back up for those of you who didn't go to LHE today -- when we walked in we were handed a sheet of paper. Shannon and I scrambled in to find a seat (note to self, don't be late again!!!!!) in the back.. The title of the message was Doubt - seemed fitting to title this blog the same. Merriam-Webster defines the word "doubt" as a fear, to lack confidence in. Why do we doubt God? We don't have any reason to lack confidence in Him, but yet we all have days (weeks, months, even years) we doubt Him.

One of the many things about LHE is we talk about practical, human things, like doubt. It's something we all have to deal with. As we walked into the theater today we were handed a piece of paper. We were asked to write something we are currently dealing with the issue of 'doubt' in our lives. Right now, we are dealing with the doubt of ever being able to stay pregnant again. It's been in our thoughts for the past year, more so the last 6 months. Row by row we walked forward, hammered our doubts, fears and worries to a cross and left them there. The crosses after 2 services were overflowing with doubts. Can you imagine the amount of healing we would have if we TALKED about our doubts??

We may not collectively want to talk about our short-comings, troubles, doubts, fears, and worries, but I am starting to think and believe that talking about those things will also bring healing, hope, faith and trust. You cross a bridge, you sit in a chair, you walk up stairs... did you ever stop to think what if that bridge tumbles, what if that chair gives out, what if I fall through those stairs? Probably not unless it's happened to you... I am learning that I need, and can FREELY, put my weight on God and He will carry me through the darkest days of my life.

Raw honesty. Proceed with caution

Selfish.


I'll admit it, I can be very selfish, self-centered, and me focused. I was an only child after all! We all, even if we don't want to admit it, have things we are selfish about, or things we don't like for various reasons. Examples --- a name because of a kid that was in your class you didn't get along with, certain foods, a day of the year because of an event, bugs, experiences, etc....

Let me preface this next statement with my disclaimer ---- if this next statement is you, it is me speaking, not to YOU specifically, but a general statement. Regardless of what is about to leave my fingers, I am happy and excited for you and yours. (this is really tough for me to say about myself, but it is my blog) So, when I see a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant comment, a new baby, etc, my uterus aches. My heart, mind, body and uterus are yearning for a baby. Hearing/reading those words makes me so happy for those individuals, but it's a reminder of what we had, and lost - twice - and are still waiting for.

On my way home from work I was talking to a very dear friend of mine who will have her baby tomorrow. It's been a tough road watching her grow and I didn't. (Her daughter and mine are 6 weeks apart. I thought we would be pregnant buddies again... We both did actually.) I feel like I need to remind myself that I am so excited for them, even though we aren't able to share this experience. However, she IS aware that her son will be "mine" for roughly three hours at a time after they are home ;) Lord knows how many times she has heard --- I am so excited for you.... then she cut me off. She told me she knows, and I think she may have even started to cry with me. Maybe we don't keep as many experiences to ourselves as I originally thought......

It would be so easy to end this on a woe is me note.. However, tomorrow one of my best friends is having a baby.. and I couldn't be happier for her. Am I jealous that I am unable to share the entire experience with her -- of course. But, something I have been learning is everything happens for a reason.. I may not know the reason, but there is a reason I am not in the same place she is. Who knows... maybe it's so I can have a self-centered pregnancy in the months to come... and then she will be able to finish the bottle of wine instead :)

This post took a very different turn than what I was expecting...  our day will come.. and it will be a very happy day.. one that I look forward to sharing, and not being selfish...


(JH - Love you. Can't wait to meet your little man.)

Stories

We each have our own stories... Some funny, some very serious, some boring, some scary, some colorful, some we keep to ourselves and some that we can share with others. So far my story has been selfish --- it is MY blog after all :) --- and I've been writing to expel thoughts that have been almost haunting me for almost a year. We have been on a roller coaster the past year - ups, downs, loops, going forward and then getting thrown into reverse.

Next week I have an appointment with my doctor. Shannon and I have made a list of questions to ask, and hopefully we will get some answers to why we have had two miscarriages in six months. I'm not sure what the next step may be.. I am hoping the next chapters in our story is one full of smiles, hope, and happiness.

Time.

I am reminded of an email I have seen about the various aspects of time. Year, month, week, day, hour, second... It's all mathematical really and there are days I don't always agree with math. But math allows for a black and white answer, right and wrong, first or second, a winner and a loser, a yes or a no.

Time. What is a "right" time to do something? What makes something right for one person but not another?

My time break down.....
Last year we decided it was time to become parents again. We tried for months sometimes with the same basic agenda (c'mon how many ways are there to make a baby!!!) twice with the desired outcome. However, the weeks of waiting for a cycle to start, or a new cycle to begin were torture. Not as much for my dear husband, but he was about done listening to me babble on about what I was thinking, feeling, and wondering. He was, and is, amazing at listening to me :) Back to the weeks..... It was tough. There are some processes that just can't be sped up. I have been noting my cycles for almost a year now and I could predict to the day what I could expect. (All you ladies out there totally know what I'm talking about. Male readers, ask your wife, girlfriend, or your best female friend.) I'm taking creative freedom to flip my seconds and minutes. I would know instantly if I was going to be disappointed and need to go back to the drawing board to try again. If I was wrong, I would have to wait those minutes to see how many lines were going to appear on that stick.

It's amazing to think how quickly things can change.  Woman goes from not pregnant to knowing she's pregnant in a matter of minutes ..... Also in that same frame of time one can go from being pregnant to not.

Time. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is unknown, but today we all have a chance to make a difference and an impact. Make the most of your today while you can.

My 29th Birthday

This is not a reminder, but today is my birthday. Twenty-nine and holding... I am so thankful that I am able to say I am 29, happy, healthy, and - all things considered - loving life. You can't help but smile on your birthday. I'll be honest, today there may be moments I am smiling through tears, like right now. But, there is a new hope coming for me this year, and I am embracing that hope today. Today, I am clinging to this verse -- 

Jeremiah 29:11 - The Message

I (God) know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Round 2... And 3

So, I have ever blogged but I have so many thoughts in my head that need to come out in a written form.

I'm going to go back a year ago, almost to the date. Shannon and I decided it was time for us to try to become parents again. Audrey was roughly 2 years old and we thought 3 years was a good space between - she would be almost potty trained and a huge help. We thought it would be quick since we had a very easy time getting pregnant with her. Months went by, and we kept getting negative tests and disappointment. In October, our luck had changed. We were going to have a Halloween party and I like my rum :) It was roughly around the time I could know f we were expecting or not. The results came with two lines. We were estatic! A fire cracker baby was coming our way! I made my prenatal appointment... Later that night I started bleeding. We were now devastated. Thought we were ok, but another test in the morning resulted in one line. Sigh. To cut this long story short, plus there are bits I don't remember, we had miscarried.

We kept trying and had more disappointment.... I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about our struggles and she reminded me that each pregnancy is different and it will happen. Fast forward to 5 days ago...... We had a positive test Thursday (March 31) and Friday (April 1 - thankfully THAT wasn't a joke!!!) and we thought we were in the clear. Monday, yesterday, I made my prenatal appointment, but wanted a confirmation since I was noticing some bleeding. I knew before I had seen my doctor I was having another miscarriage. Ugh. Really? ANOTHER miscarriage???!!!!?? Couldn't believe it ..... still can't to be honest. My doctor was amazing and reminded me I am still young and still have years to bear children but I really wanted THAT blob of cells as my birthday present or an early Christmas present...... Blood work showed my hcg levels were very low and I was going to have another miscarriage. In two weeks I'll go back to my doctor and discuss some options and have a Q&A with her....

Today has been a roller coaster. The rain made me feel like God and those who I/we have lost were crying with me/us today.... Then, the sun finally peered through the clouds with the hope of something new and fresh. We are anxious to see what the next chapter holds for us... Anxious to see what the freshness and newness of spring brings our way.

Welcome!

I've never blogged, but I have so many thoughts running in my head that those thoughts need to be expelled. The past year has been a year of good and bad, hopes coming and then fading, a year of smiling, laughing, crying, and being broken. Life is made up of experiences .... This blog will be some of my life experiences that has made me, well, me. So, come, dance with me...