It is Well With My Soul

(I think I have made an attempt to start this blog at least three times.... I'm not really sure where to start...)

We had debated this morning about whether or not we should just stay home instead of going to church. I'm so glad we decided to go.  Life is never easy. Some may have circumstances easier or harder.. but to each individual life has it's trials as well as it's joys.

I think one of my favorite hymns is It is Well With My Soul. It's a song you can almost feel the pain the author was experiencing as it was penned .... but also the sense of hope and peace. In three short years in Horatio's life, he had lost his only son to scarlet fever, real estate in the great Chicago fire, all 4 of his daughters when the boat they were on was struck by another boat. He then got on the next boat to go to his mourning wife the captain called him when they came upon the wreckage of the boat that claimed the life of his 4 daughters.

He lost so much in such a short time frame. Five children, a huge real estate investment -- gone. Even with so much bad (and bad really doesn't come close to the magnitude of devastation) he planted himself on the firm foundation of God and found peace. His peace wasn't masked, he was raw in his pain, but he also had the positivity to turn to God in his time of mourning.

Today's sermon was about suffering and how we react. Made me think --- How do I cope with stuff? Some of the coping mechanisms may help for a short time (drugs, alcohol, medications, therapy, other people, etc.), but the only thing that will stay constant is God. 

There will always be bad.. Always. One of the few things I can count on! But I think from what has happened in my past 30 years, I have learned God is a stable source that I can rely on at all times. There is always a silver lining to every bad situation, there is positivity during negative moment of life - sometimes it just takes some digging to find it. 

Below are the lyrics to It is Well With My Soul. I love that words written in 1873 can still be comforting in 2012.  

It Is Well With My Soul -- Horatio Gates Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul

 It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Has it really been 4 (FOUR!!!!!) months?!

At one of our dinners this past week Shannon was holding Landon, and getting teary eyed. First of all, that makes me wanna cry, but there is always a reason for him to have tears (our wedding day, birth of our children, etc)... Anyway ---- Reason for THESE tears:

It's so crazy to think of how far Landon has come in these 4 months. He did have a rough start, but things could have been so much worse. I am forever thankful for his amazing pediatrician who is such a baby/child advocate. Shannon was remembering the day we came home from the hospital from yet another heel prick for Landon. We were sitting in the sun room, trying to get the boy as much sunshine as possible. To the day that he sits up, with help, holds his head up like a champ and has such an amazing personality. He's funny, he's cute, he's a joy, he's a great traveler, and a good sleeper. (Yes, I specifically prayed for the last two things!!! The others are just a bonus.) I love seeing Landon grow, even though it also makes me sad to see him grow and change so fast. 

So, let's see what has happened in our home in the past four months:

Shannon has made a lateral transfer with the state and he's working in Harrisburg now. Granted, he's gone longer during the day with the drive, but he is home EVERY evening and he is home over a real weekend! There is a ton of potential for advancement and he enjoys the change of pace. He's happy, we are happy!

Audrey is loving being the big sister and she is amazing with Landon. Right now, her imagination is always on the go and her favorite is to play pretend with her Disney princesses, Little People and My Little Pony. Since the weather has finally gotten nice she loves to spend as much time as possible outside.

Landon is such a good baby! I was scared that my second would be a polar opposite, but he has been very similar to his sister (phew!) His favorite is to be held, or in my Moby wrap. He's such a momma's boy! He recently found his voice, and loves to be vocal. It's cute. At night he's still waking up a few times to nurse but naps are nice in the afternoon :)

And me.. Well, we made the decision as a family that I would stay home with the kiddos. Each day is different and I really do feel like I am worth the 6 figures I have been seeing that a stay at home mom SHOULD make! It's challenging, stressful, but also so amazing to be able to spend the day with my babies and see them grow, change, and learn.

He's here!

My view the last few weeks

It's so weird to think that a little over a week ago we were getting ready to go to the hospital to meet our baby boy. For my memory sake, and the ability to be able to tell him what his arrival to the world was like, it's time to blog! So ---- 

 39 weeks pregnant

 Audrey loving on her baby brother

January 2 we packed up our stuff, took Audrey to her grandparents, and went to the hospital. The labor and delivery floor had a LOT of activity going on... The worst part about being induced at night is being hooked up to fetal monitors all night. I moved a wee bit, and the heartbeat would be lost, beep, nurse fixed it, sleep for a little longer, and repeat. Needless to say, neither one of us got much sleep. I also had no idea that while I was talking to the doctor I was actually having contractions... 11 the first hour I was hooked up to the fetal monitor. Ignorance is bliss! I'm not sure if Shannon preferred the recliner he slept in to the cot he had with Audrey.... but, whatever. It's not a cruise ship or a vacation. 

Landon David Brown

Loving on my baby boy

January 3 -- Doctors/Midwives change, nurses change, and now the real party is about to get started. Midwife started the pitocin and it didn't take long for it to break my water. And, with how much water came out, I am so glad it broke in the hospital versus ANY other location! I asked the nurse -- Did I pee myself, or was that my water breaking? Thankfully, it was my water breaking and I swear it felt like about a gallon, or two!!!, of water leaving my body. Those of you who have had a baby - you know there is no sense of modesty when it comes to labor and delivery. But I was embarrassed when some poor lady came in with a mop (clean up in room 568!!). Sigh. Of course, now the normal things started to progress - more intense contractions, more frequent, more painful... My IV meds came right in time, kind of knocked me out a bit, but not like the meds I had when Audrey was being born. After about a half hour of having the meds, I felt the urge, and need, to push. The nurse checked me, and after a confirmation from the midwife (who was amazing!!!!!!) it was go time. First push, I was ready to give up. I was relieved when a short 16 minutes later I had a beautiful, screaming, DARK haired baby boy on my chest. Landon David Brown entered the world at 10:56 AM weighing 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and measuring 20.5 inches. Minus the dark hair, I felt like I had just birthed the same child, but almost four years later. Landon and Audrey look so similar as newborns! Remember how I said the labor and deliver floor had a lot of activity? Well, while my midwife, Kim, was stitching me back together, another nurse came running in because another momma was crowning. Kim left my room taking off scrubs to take care of her, leaving me waiting for her to come back. Guess it's a good thing I only needed a few stitches!

Landon's bassinet info

Shannon, Landon and me

Landon may not have enjoyed his forced evacuation, and he hasn't had the easiest transition from womb to world. He had a difficult time stabilizing his glucose levels, nursing didn't come easy for him either. Since he was born, every day for a week he was poked, prodded and had blood taken out of him :( 

Landon's IV :(

The night he was born, a hospital pediatrician came in to see him, concerned about his glucose levels. He decided to put him on an IV. Do you realize how disturbing it is to see a less than a day old infant with an IV in his hand? And then the new momma realizes he was actually pricked TWO other times BEFORE the IV actually went INTO his hand?! That didn't help with the nursing either -- trying to juggle the IV tubing and the board that his little hand/arm was on.. We couldn't wait to get that off of him. In the wee hours of January 4 he was finally cleared to be off the IV not totally removed in case his levels dropped, but that was a step in the right direction. Later that morning the IV came out... and then we waited for a doctor to do his circumcision. Shannon and I actually made a bet because everything happened on 'hospital time' -- similar to a clock during a football game. Ya know, there may be a minute left in the game, but it takes 5-10 to actually get the play clock to 0:00... We were SHOCKED when one of the doctors came over during office hours to perform the circumcision.. Good timing because Shannon was already out putting bags in the car -- and brought in the car seat. We figured we'd be in about another hour, two tops and then we would be home.. 

Audrey loving on her baby brother

My loves

Nope. Nurse did another jaundice check and it was higher than before. Blood work was ordered, and we had to wait around for the lab. We had no idea if we would actually be going home that day or not. I lost it. I had just witness my son being checked from his circumcision, heard what his bilirubin level was, and that we may not be able to go home after all. Our nurses and midwife were super supportive about everything - they knew we wanted to just go home. It didn't help that I had JUST had a baby and my hormones were EVERYWHERE. The hospital pediatrician decided that since he would not be seeing Landon in the future to let us go as long as we made an appointment with our pediatrician. Done. Bring on the discharge papers!

I'm in love with this kid...

January 6 -- we see our AMAZING pediatrician, he orders another round of blood work for Landon. His bilirubin levels continue to rise, but we are home. We are trying to adjust to a family of four, figure out nursing, dedicate time to Audrey, and recover from delivery. Over the weekend we do more rounds of bilirubin tests, and each time the number climbs. As we leave the hospital on Sunday (since the labs are closed) we hear back from the doctor. I wasn't planning on hearing from him for a few hours, so I had a feeling the news wasn't going to be good. I was told to stop nursing for 72 hours and supplement with formula. (Audrey was a nursed baby at bedtime until she was almost 18 months old). This broke, no, actually shattered me. 

It's amazing how a shower makes ya feel so much better!

Shannon admiring his son

January 9. We go back to our amazing pediatrician. One of the first questions he asks is about nursing. I loose it. The last thing I wanted to do was have my baby on formula unless I wasn't able to produce enough milk for him. It takes a great doctor to turn all of your fears into something that doesn't even matter. First order of business, go back to nursing. Second, Landon needs lights and he turned into a glow worm. Third, he is a healthy, full term baby and the only check he had against him was a bilirubin level of 21 on Sunday. It also takes an amazing doctor to turn your frowns into smiles, and also apologize for the weekend we endured. We had convinced ourselves that we were going to need to have Landon re-admitted to the hospital and put under lights. Doing a little bit of home therapy was music to our ears!

As of today, January 11, we are still adjusting, but we have a glow worm, he's nursing well, he's sleeping well (Last night he barely stirred at 4:30am.. I needed to wake up, but he is a great sleeper. I hope this trend continues!!!!) and we are all taking some time to adjust to a family of four. We are beyond grateful for the thoughts and prayers from our friends and family while we were in the hospital, as well as while we struggled and worried about our newborn son and what was going to happen to him.

My world

Audrey is adjusting to not being the only child in our home. It will take some getting used to, but she really has been a great helper with Landon. We give her small tasks to complete to make her feel the part of the big sister. I have been thankful that Shannon is/was able to take time off and be able to dedicate time to Audrey while I do the same with Landon. 

Stay tuned for more updates and news about our family. It's amazing how fast they grow up, literally before our eyes.

So, it's been a while...

It's amazing when life seems to be going well, we tend to forget about the little things. So, I want to take some time while I am half remembering and update on what's been going on in the Brown home:

Shannon is healthy, happy, and doing well. His job keeps him busy, but since he is also involved in a lot of groups, he has been having more dinners with us during the week -- YAY! He's also been working more Fridays, which gives him a different day off -- Sunday. Which also means we are able to spend time together as a family. And, I L-O-V-E that.

Audrey is a active, healthy, always talking 3 year old. She has gotten into My Little Pony and her imagination is amazing. I can't believe some of the things she comes up with. She's always talking to her dolls, princesses, My Little Ponies, etc.. She's also loving the idea that soon she will be a big sister. 

Leroy. He is an active little man at times! We have had little to no issues with this pregnancy. As of today, I am 32 weeks pregnant and the biggest complaint is that I can't do as much as I would like around the house, it may take 2 days to do something, or *gasp* I need to ask for help. Shannon has been amazing at picking up where I can't complete a task and I so appreciate his help around the house. Maybe this is why we have winter babies -- not as much to do outside so he can help inside.

And the person I probably have the hardest time talking about -- myself :) Over the summer I started selling Scentsy - www.brandiebrown.scentsy.us - and I love it! Scentsy is a flame-less wax bases system that literally fills our entire home with amazing scents. I'm so thankful Scentsy is providing some extras for my family and I can't wait to see what the possibilities are for the future. 

The pregnancy really is going well, and I can't believe we are almost to the end. It feels like this one went by so much faster than Audrey's. I love taking those special moments to rest, and feel him move around. The miracle of birth is mind blowing. How can a sperm and egg meet and then become a person? I've been having thoughts about what he will look like. Will he be blonde like Audrey, or actually look a little like me? Will he be a spitting image of his Daddy, or actually look a little like me? Can you tell I wonder if I had any part of Audrey's look for the first year or so of her life?? :) 

We are thankful and blessed. At this time of the year, I also tend to reflect on what happened the past year and what we may have to look forward to in the next. I am thankful for the struggle of this past year, because the struggle made me so much more thankful for the life that's growing inside of me. I can't wait to see what this little man does in our family, and in his lifetime.

Our past makes our present, and can help shape our future

Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's me being sentimental, but there are some days I think more about where I have come from, and what has shaped me to be the person that I am. 


I have a customer at the bank who is the sweetest man who recently lost his wife to breast cancer. Even though she is gone, you can still feel the love he had, and will forever have for her. When he talks about her, I am flashing back to when my dad was very sick.. Even writing this, of course, brings tears to my eyes. There are days I think about him and miss him more than others. 


It's crazy to think he passed away over 10 years ago. An entire decade. There is so much I have done, that I know he would have been so proud of -- graduating from college, getting married, buying a house, having a baby... He would have loved Audrey, and the feeling is so mutual. The girl wants to be a farmer - just like him. He was such a gentle man.. hardly ever raised his voice... but when he spoke, people listened. 


There will be times that I think about him and weep.. There are other times I think of him and laugh until it almost hurts. One Christmas we went to a dinner and a show. The hosts wanted volunteers from the audience to sing the 12 Days of Christmas. My dad couldn't sing worth a darn and he was chosen, to sing 3 French Hens. The first time he "sang" the crowd erupted with laughter.. poor man. My mom wanted to crawl under the table and hide. The gentleman who was picked to sing 5 Golden Rings truly is a singer.. Bad news for my dad. After that point, he wanted nothing more than to join my mom under the table :) I can't hear the song without smiling with tears in my eyes. 


He may not have been a highly educated man, but he was an honest, hard working, God loving man. He learned from the land, and taught what he knew to his children and family. I hope that I can teach my family things he taught me. 


There are other days I think about the parents I never knew.. and wonder about them - their voice, their actions, their habits, their way of life, their.. their beings. It will be 29 years this year... they were killed in a horrible car accident a week before Christmas. I was 8 months old. (When I say 'mom' or 'dad', it's actually my grandparents who took the role of being parents again.) I have a few things that were their's -- wedding bands, a shelf full of photo albums (so thankful she took a lot of photos and dated things!), letters, yearbooks, etc. But, I don't know THEM. Stories don't always do justice for me.. I'm hoping to someday be able to meet them.. 


With that being said.... almost 29 years ago my dad developed a disease that caused his body to not be able to process the iron in his body. Extremely rare.. doctors told him it could, and probably, would turn into leukemia. For years, he was doing well.. but then he needed to have blood transfusion and spent many hours in the hospital. My freshman year of college was bittersweet experience. I love the independence and freedom of dorm life, but I was also 3 hours from home. My spring semester he was in Hershey and doctors had confirmed his disease had turned into leukemia, and gave him 3-6 months to live. He and I drove home from college, loving the solo time together. I have no idea what the conversations may have been about. We may have just sat in silence and enjoyed each other's company. Mother's Day had a lot of bittersweet thoughts all jumbled into one day for me... I love being honored as a mother, but it's also the same day we had to say goodbye to an amazing man. Long story short, he had a brain aneurism. We came home, called family to let them know what was happening, and kept him as comfortable as possible. (If any of the amazing nurses or doctors ever read this, thank you for taking care of Anthony "Tony" Angle. You know as well as we, his family, know that regardless of how he felt, he had a smile on his face. Thank you). 


His funeral was a celebration of his life.. He was no longer suffering, no longer in pain, no longer attached to medicines, no longer needing to spend time in a hospital... FREE. Free. He is free. Free to dance, free to sing, free to sing well, free to be with his Jesus.. and I hope free to be with the daughter and son-in-law he lost too soon. Free. FREE. Like I stated above, he is missed, he is never forgotten.. As are my parents. Of course, I don't have the memories with them, but I have a lot of ME that I think is part of THEM. 


Time heals all wounds... but there are times those wounds do need some TLC. For me, being pregnant must be the time to revisit and open those wounds. It's not a bad thing.. Granted, Shannon may ask when he gets home why I've been crying, but it's the hormones... and thinking of the past, wishing some of those amazing people who I no longer have in my life, could be able to be with me during some of my life experiences. I know, they are 'with' me, but I would love to have them WITH me - in the flesh, not in the spirit. 


Our pasts shape our presents, and prepare us for our futures. However, we may need to separate the pasts from the presents to be able to move on to the future. May we never forget our pasts, love our presents, and look forward to the futures. 

Contentment

It's so much easier to write, vent, expel feelings when you are down. However, I also want to take this time when things are going well for my family to enjoy and revel in our happiness. 

On Monday, we will be 12 weeks pregnant. Almost through the first trimester and feeling amazing. No major illness, a few aversions, and I've had a lot of extra hours of sleep. However, I really can't complain about this pregnancy so far. As a family, we are calling this almost plum size human in my stomach "Leroy"... for now, maybe until he/she is born even. Even Audrey has gotten on the Leroy ship - it's cute! We don't take for granted what we have now, and we are so thankful to be at this point. 

I am thankful our home is safe, our cars are functioning, our family is healthy and our jobs are paying us. There are always a few hiccups along the road - oops on the checking account (so thankful for a savings that doubles as overdraft protection!), double booking ourselves for appointments, last minute schedule changes, but overall, we are thankful.

Shannon, when you read this (because I'm sure you will at some point...) thank you for everything you have helped me with the past weeks and months. The pas year has been a roller coaster for us. I am so thankful and blessed to be able to call you my husband. I love you, babe..

Third time may really be a charm!

Wow. God is good

May 6 I was totally expecting my cycle to begin.. Took a pregnancy test in case. As soon as the window was filled, my test immediately showed 2 lines ..... 2 very dark, matching lines. 

Given my history, my doctor wanted to run some blood work to see my hcg level as well as my progesterone level. Hcg was were it should be... Progesterone results weren't back until Monday (May 9) but came back normal. It's amazing what prenatal vitamins can do!!!! My doctor wanted to do another round of blood work to make sure my hcg levels were increasing as they are supposed to. Lab results came back May 10 -- results are increasing as they should be. Doctor is reassured, I am relieved and happy. 

More blood work May 12 to make sure hcg continues to rise. My new set of numbers brought a sigh of relief and peace. My numbers quadrupled!!!!! 

Fast forward to today, June 6. We were (not so) patiently waiting for this appointment. Seeing a heart beat and hearing the midwife say things look good makes us feel so much better. The past year has been a roller coaster for us. My original plan was to already be a family of four..... God knew better and knew my three year daughter would require too much attention :) 

We are happy, excited, and so thankful. Plus, I don't know how much longer I could hide my growing bump ;)