Audrey

I am having a mommy moment and I need to share it. Audrey and I are just hanging out together, chilling while Landon naps. I am crying looking at her. Where have the past 4 years gone? I think back to the days that she was a baby, and it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. She's able to do so much on her own, she hangs out with the big kids (since she looks like she's 5+) and can hold her own with the big kids! Her imagination runs wild and it's crazy to listen to her and the ideas that she develops. I love when she calls me - Momma and I hope that continues f-o-r-e-v-e-r :) Her brain never stops thinking, moving, questioning, and she can't always get out every question or statement. 

The older she becomes the more I see myself in her. I realize I am raising a mini adult, my mini-me. I want her to be a confident, but aware of others. I want her to be soft to others, but stand up for herself and what she believes in. I want her to be smart, but not arrogant about her brains. I want her to be fashionable, fit, but also modest and content with her body and shape. 

I love her sense of humor, her laugh, her imagination, her quirks, and her. She's the combination of my husband and me and she is both of us in one. She's amazing, beautiful, adventurous, funny ... she's Audrey and I love her.


(Audrey, baby girl, I love you. I can't believe I have been blessed to have you in my life as my daughter. You make my days more amusing, entertaining, and interesting. You have taught me how to become a better person and how to really listen to another. Thank you. Thank you for being such an amazing girl. I love you, this moment we are in and I can't wait to see what you are going to do next.
xo
Your Momma)

Crazy people

I remember like it was yesterday, and it was really 11+ years ago, people would come up to me at my dad's viewing/funeral saying it must have been God's will for him to pass. In my head, that's bull. He fought his body and disease for years. He was done fighting. I'm not saying he gave up.. I know there are things he would have loved to have seen and be a part of - see me graduate from college, helping to plan and be a part of my wedding, watching Shannon and me get married, see his great grandchildren, see our home and help us move in, paint, clean, help me with a small garden (next summer!).... He was young (early 60's) when he breathed his last. If he wasn't sick, I know he'd still be outside gardening and loving life. I smile with tears in my eyes when Audrey says she wants to be a farmer. He would have loved spending time with her. But, this is life. And life doesn't always happen as our dreams or hopes do.

I hated when people came up to me/us and said it was God's will. Why would God want those left behind to be hurting? Sure, we knew it was coming, but you can only prepare so much and then reality of this person NOT being in your world ... becomes just that - a reality. A very harsh reality that hit me in the face, and still does. I miss him. I've had dreams about him and I don't want to wake up. When I sit still and just think about him, this is my picture - No shirt, super dark skin from gardening (I missed that gene somehow!), usually blue pants, not jeans, but pants. A trucker-like hat on his head that covers his full head of dark hair. And his water jug in hand. Always had the water jug of ice water at home. Oh, and the big "Tony smile". 

(I realize as I continue to type this blog should probably be split into two... but my brain brought these thoughts together. So they are going to stay together)

There has been a bit of weird stuff going on in the world.. Even though (in my opinion) God is ultimately in control .... people are still crazy. I also think in the crazy times, God sits back and lets the crazy happen. Granted, He already knows what the outcome is going to be, and how we will all react to it, but WE don't know what's going to happen or how WE are going to react to massive chaos. Do we yell, scream, curse, and question? Of course. But, do we also look for the slight sliver of a silver lining? It's not the easy thing to do, and it may take a while to find the positive, but it's floating out there somewhere. When we sit in the quiet we can find the good..


Bad things happen to good people, just as easily as good things can happen to bad people. There is a local family that is dealing with the death of three family members, and a four year old girl who watched all this happen by her father. It breaks my heart thinking that girl is the same age as my daughter. However, I do know from personal experience good can come from that little girl and I pray for her and her future. She has an amazing opportunity to take a terrible situation and make some good out of it.


What I am not saying is that we need to accept the crazy. Because, really, we don't have a choice! The crazy is going to follow (sorry to be a ball buster!!). We live in an imperfect world. Shit happens. But we learn from mistakes, errors, issues, chaos, and attempt to better ourselves. The news is FULL of the negative... We only get a paper on Sunday, and really that's for the coupons and sale flyers. I rarely listen to the news because it's depressing. What sane person would want to openly invite negativity into your heart and mind? Sadly, there are times it comes at us full force and we need to deal with it (see blog post about social media!).


I'm challenging myself to do the extra. Go above what is necessary when I can. Go with my gut. Listen to that small voice. I believe the world can have less crazy in it for my children.

Social Media

I don't like confrontation. I don't like being in the middle of an argument. I do like being challenged in my thinking, but with time to think and formulate a reply. I do like people who stand up for what they believe in, even when it's hard. In some - alright, let's be honest - in MOST cases, I have the philosophy that it's ok to agree to disagree. 

That being said... I have been conflicted with two different aspects of social media. On one side it's political, and individual opinions about various topics. On a different side, it's a chance to ask for help, but also be able to encourage said party that is desperate.

The past day or two I've had a very heavy heart (and a gnarly sunburn that has caused me to not want to move. When am I going to learn that I must be WHITE with lotion before stepping foot into the sunlight?! Granted, my daughter has crazy bathing suit lines - so glad she tans!! .... wow, bunny trail....) and been very thoughtful. Unless you are living under a rock you can assume what I'm referring to. (However, in a year I may will not remember. So here are a few bullet points for MY sake - Colorado massacre, Olympics, Chick-fil-a, gay rights, what is marriage, babies in the hospital, Audrey getting ready for pre-school, Landon is almost 7 months old... this list could go on, but that should suffice for me). 

I prefer to end things on a high note, some type of encouragement. At church on Sunday I was introduced to a marathon runner, Ryan Hall. I'll probably never really meet him, but the little bit of his story that I now know amazes and challenges me as a human and a wanna be runner. He didn't have a human coach.. on an entry form he needed to list the name of a coach. Ryan put God. Officials told Ryan that they needed a PERSON. I'm sure Ryan and God have a lot of talks while he's pounding the pavement, and He is probably more encouraging than a human coach. Here is an excerpt from his book "Running with Joy"  ---

“All of us, fast and slow alike, can experience something that is just as sweet as winning. My message is that even if you don’t land on the podium or run a personal best, even if you have a bad workout or are struggling with an injury, you can experience joy to the fullest.”

Today, live your life to your fullest. You never know when it may be your last. What kind of an impact does your life, your words, your attitude, etc may have on another??

(By the way, I am totally following Ryan {RyanHall3} on twitter now. Be on the look out for retweets.)

Summer!

So, I almost feel like a kid enjoying summer vacation! In the fall Audrey is starting pre-school (time has flown by way too fast for that girl.. Can't believe she's 4!) and I've been loving spending time with my kiddos and as a family. Since it's almost August, which means September is right around the corner I thought I'd post an update on what we've been doing this summer:

First Pillow Mattress

Me- I have been doing quite a few sewing projects and things around the house that have bothered me but I haven't had time to tackle. One thing I am proud of making is a pillow mattress for Audrey (and at least 2 more to follow eventually). I couldn't find any real instructions online, but with basic measurements, a pillow and sheer determination --- I did it! :)(Most of the time I'm behind the camera.. so, I don't have too many photos of myself.)

Audrey @ Idlewild Park

Audrey -- She has been enjoying going to see movies at Leitersburg (with Landon and myself), spending time and play dates with friends and getting ready for pre-school. We went to Idlewild park for the day and she had a blast getting on every ride she could. She has also been using her creative juices and making all kinds of pictures, or writing notes. It's been fun, and bittersweet, to see her grow up the last few months I've been home with her. The more I am with her, the more I realize she is like me... Makes me think twice before I correct or do something that could hurt her or her feelings.

Landon -- I love that little boy :) He is, for the most part, such a pleasant little man and has recently discovered how fun self play can be. YAY! He loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That theme song can come on and he will look for that mouse. So cute. He is recently figured out how to move in the walker.. Watch your toes and heels when you visit!!! 

And, Shannon -- He's been watching the Buccos on TV and in the stadium and loving what he's been seeing! I think he's also enjoyed having his nights/weekends back to spend with his family. I've enjoyed it because he can go back on chef duty :)

It is Well With My Soul

(I think I have made an attempt to start this blog at least three times.... I'm not really sure where to start...)

We had debated this morning about whether or not we should just stay home instead of going to church. I'm so glad we decided to go.  Life is never easy. Some may have circumstances easier or harder.. but to each individual life has it's trials as well as it's joys.

I think one of my favorite hymns is It is Well With My Soul. It's a song you can almost feel the pain the author was experiencing as it was penned .... but also the sense of hope and peace. In three short years in Horatio's life, he had lost his only son to scarlet fever, real estate in the great Chicago fire, all 4 of his daughters when the boat they were on was struck by another boat. He then got on the next boat to go to his mourning wife the captain called him when they came upon the wreckage of the boat that claimed the life of his 4 daughters.

He lost so much in such a short time frame. Five children, a huge real estate investment -- gone. Even with so much bad (and bad really doesn't come close to the magnitude of devastation) he planted himself on the firm foundation of God and found peace. His peace wasn't masked, he was raw in his pain, but he also had the positivity to turn to God in his time of mourning.

Today's sermon was about suffering and how we react. Made me think --- How do I cope with stuff? Some of the coping mechanisms may help for a short time (drugs, alcohol, medications, therapy, other people, etc.), but the only thing that will stay constant is God. 

There will always be bad.. Always. One of the few things I can count on! But I think from what has happened in my past 30 years, I have learned God is a stable source that I can rely on at all times. There is always a silver lining to every bad situation, there is positivity during negative moment of life - sometimes it just takes some digging to find it. 

Below are the lyrics to It is Well With My Soul. I love that words written in 1873 can still be comforting in 2012.  

It Is Well With My Soul -- Horatio Gates Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul

 It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Has it really been 4 (FOUR!!!!!) months?!

At one of our dinners this past week Shannon was holding Landon, and getting teary eyed. First of all, that makes me wanna cry, but there is always a reason for him to have tears (our wedding day, birth of our children, etc)... Anyway ---- Reason for THESE tears:

It's so crazy to think of how far Landon has come in these 4 months. He did have a rough start, but things could have been so much worse. I am forever thankful for his amazing pediatrician who is such a baby/child advocate. Shannon was remembering the day we came home from the hospital from yet another heel prick for Landon. We were sitting in the sun room, trying to get the boy as much sunshine as possible. To the day that he sits up, with help, holds his head up like a champ and has such an amazing personality. He's funny, he's cute, he's a joy, he's a great traveler, and a good sleeper. (Yes, I specifically prayed for the last two things!!! The others are just a bonus.) I love seeing Landon grow, even though it also makes me sad to see him grow and change so fast. 

So, let's see what has happened in our home in the past four months:

Shannon has made a lateral transfer with the state and he's working in Harrisburg now. Granted, he's gone longer during the day with the drive, but he is home EVERY evening and he is home over a real weekend! There is a ton of potential for advancement and he enjoys the change of pace. He's happy, we are happy!

Audrey is loving being the big sister and she is amazing with Landon. Right now, her imagination is always on the go and her favorite is to play pretend with her Disney princesses, Little People and My Little Pony. Since the weather has finally gotten nice she loves to spend as much time as possible outside.

Landon is such a good baby! I was scared that my second would be a polar opposite, but he has been very similar to his sister (phew!) His favorite is to be held, or in my Moby wrap. He's such a momma's boy! He recently found his voice, and loves to be vocal. It's cute. At night he's still waking up a few times to nurse but naps are nice in the afternoon :)

And me.. Well, we made the decision as a family that I would stay home with the kiddos. Each day is different and I really do feel like I am worth the 6 figures I have been seeing that a stay at home mom SHOULD make! It's challenging, stressful, but also so amazing to be able to spend the day with my babies and see them grow, change, and learn.

He's here!

My view the last few weeks

It's so weird to think that a little over a week ago we were getting ready to go to the hospital to meet our baby boy. For my memory sake, and the ability to be able to tell him what his arrival to the world was like, it's time to blog! So ---- 

 39 weeks pregnant

 Audrey loving on her baby brother

January 2 we packed up our stuff, took Audrey to her grandparents, and went to the hospital. The labor and delivery floor had a LOT of activity going on... The worst part about being induced at night is being hooked up to fetal monitors all night. I moved a wee bit, and the heartbeat would be lost, beep, nurse fixed it, sleep for a little longer, and repeat. Needless to say, neither one of us got much sleep. I also had no idea that while I was talking to the doctor I was actually having contractions... 11 the first hour I was hooked up to the fetal monitor. Ignorance is bliss! I'm not sure if Shannon preferred the recliner he slept in to the cot he had with Audrey.... but, whatever. It's not a cruise ship or a vacation. 

Landon David Brown

Loving on my baby boy

January 3 -- Doctors/Midwives change, nurses change, and now the real party is about to get started. Midwife started the pitocin and it didn't take long for it to break my water. And, with how much water came out, I am so glad it broke in the hospital versus ANY other location! I asked the nurse -- Did I pee myself, or was that my water breaking? Thankfully, it was my water breaking and I swear it felt like about a gallon, or two!!!, of water leaving my body. Those of you who have had a baby - you know there is no sense of modesty when it comes to labor and delivery. But I was embarrassed when some poor lady came in with a mop (clean up in room 568!!). Sigh. Of course, now the normal things started to progress - more intense contractions, more frequent, more painful... My IV meds came right in time, kind of knocked me out a bit, but not like the meds I had when Audrey was being born. After about a half hour of having the meds, I felt the urge, and need, to push. The nurse checked me, and after a confirmation from the midwife (who was amazing!!!!!!) it was go time. First push, I was ready to give up. I was relieved when a short 16 minutes later I had a beautiful, screaming, DARK haired baby boy on my chest. Landon David Brown entered the world at 10:56 AM weighing 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and measuring 20.5 inches. Minus the dark hair, I felt like I had just birthed the same child, but almost four years later. Landon and Audrey look so similar as newborns! Remember how I said the labor and deliver floor had a lot of activity? Well, while my midwife, Kim, was stitching me back together, another nurse came running in because another momma was crowning. Kim left my room taking off scrubs to take care of her, leaving me waiting for her to come back. Guess it's a good thing I only needed a few stitches!

Landon's bassinet info

Shannon, Landon and me

Landon may not have enjoyed his forced evacuation, and he hasn't had the easiest transition from womb to world. He had a difficult time stabilizing his glucose levels, nursing didn't come easy for him either. Since he was born, every day for a week he was poked, prodded and had blood taken out of him :( 

Landon's IV :(

The night he was born, a hospital pediatrician came in to see him, concerned about his glucose levels. He decided to put him on an IV. Do you realize how disturbing it is to see a less than a day old infant with an IV in his hand? And then the new momma realizes he was actually pricked TWO other times BEFORE the IV actually went INTO his hand?! That didn't help with the nursing either -- trying to juggle the IV tubing and the board that his little hand/arm was on.. We couldn't wait to get that off of him. In the wee hours of January 4 he was finally cleared to be off the IV not totally removed in case his levels dropped, but that was a step in the right direction. Later that morning the IV came out... and then we waited for a doctor to do his circumcision. Shannon and I actually made a bet because everything happened on 'hospital time' -- similar to a clock during a football game. Ya know, there may be a minute left in the game, but it takes 5-10 to actually get the play clock to 0:00... We were SHOCKED when one of the doctors came over during office hours to perform the circumcision.. Good timing because Shannon was already out putting bags in the car -- and brought in the car seat. We figured we'd be in about another hour, two tops and then we would be home.. 

Audrey loving on her baby brother

My loves

Nope. Nurse did another jaundice check and it was higher than before. Blood work was ordered, and we had to wait around for the lab. We had no idea if we would actually be going home that day or not. I lost it. I had just witness my son being checked from his circumcision, heard what his bilirubin level was, and that we may not be able to go home after all. Our nurses and midwife were super supportive about everything - they knew we wanted to just go home. It didn't help that I had JUST had a baby and my hormones were EVERYWHERE. The hospital pediatrician decided that since he would not be seeing Landon in the future to let us go as long as we made an appointment with our pediatrician. Done. Bring on the discharge papers!

I'm in love with this kid...

January 6 -- we see our AMAZING pediatrician, he orders another round of blood work for Landon. His bilirubin levels continue to rise, but we are home. We are trying to adjust to a family of four, figure out nursing, dedicate time to Audrey, and recover from delivery. Over the weekend we do more rounds of bilirubin tests, and each time the number climbs. As we leave the hospital on Sunday (since the labs are closed) we hear back from the doctor. I wasn't planning on hearing from him for a few hours, so I had a feeling the news wasn't going to be good. I was told to stop nursing for 72 hours and supplement with formula. (Audrey was a nursed baby at bedtime until she was almost 18 months old). This broke, no, actually shattered me. 

It's amazing how a shower makes ya feel so much better!

Shannon admiring his son

January 9. We go back to our amazing pediatrician. One of the first questions he asks is about nursing. I loose it. The last thing I wanted to do was have my baby on formula unless I wasn't able to produce enough milk for him. It takes a great doctor to turn all of your fears into something that doesn't even matter. First order of business, go back to nursing. Second, Landon needs lights and he turned into a glow worm. Third, he is a healthy, full term baby and the only check he had against him was a bilirubin level of 21 on Sunday. It also takes an amazing doctor to turn your frowns into smiles, and also apologize for the weekend we endured. We had convinced ourselves that we were going to need to have Landon re-admitted to the hospital and put under lights. Doing a little bit of home therapy was music to our ears!

As of today, January 11, we are still adjusting, but we have a glow worm, he's nursing well, he's sleeping well (Last night he barely stirred at 4:30am.. I needed to wake up, but he is a great sleeper. I hope this trend continues!!!!) and we are all taking some time to adjust to a family of four. We are beyond grateful for the thoughts and prayers from our friends and family while we were in the hospital, as well as while we struggled and worried about our newborn son and what was going to happen to him.

My world

Audrey is adjusting to not being the only child in our home. It will take some getting used to, but she really has been a great helper with Landon. We give her small tasks to complete to make her feel the part of the big sister. I have been thankful that Shannon is/was able to take time off and be able to dedicate time to Audrey while I do the same with Landon. 

Stay tuned for more updates and news about our family. It's amazing how fast they grow up, literally before our eyes.