Coffee, Craniotomy and Cancer

 To say that I am so over December 2023 is a gross understatement. This will probably be one of the most difficult blogs I have ever written. I don't think I will forget this month ever, but some details may become fuzzy.. so this is for me to stay clear in the future:

December 7 I drive from Shippensburg to Harrisburg to go to what I thought was going to be a normal work day. December 4, I went to my family doctor thinking I had a sinus or an ear infection with a ton of sinus pressure and a headache for close to a week. Hindsight i should have demanded scans, something just wasn't right in my head. 

Fast forward -- i had already taken a sick day this week, i can't use another. Drive to work. Shannon notices I struggle on my left side with my coat. My cognitive function isn't firing properly. Poor decisions being made and not normal decisions. Hindsight so many red flags were waving, but the dots are connected weeks later. 

At work, it's a 3 story building, i thought I climbed the 3 sets of steps, nope.. only 2.. got off on the 2nd floor very confused since nothing looked right. I tell a co-worker this. her spidey senses are on high alert. She says later that morning to me.. "I'm taking you to the hospital. I was thinking i may have suffered from a stroke and didn't realize it. She must have felt a similar inkling. speech was slurry, confusion, left side wasn't strong. 

Thankfully she drove me to Holy Spirit hospital in Camp Hill (I received top notch medical attention by doctors and nurses. so Thankful!)- the ER listened to me and took my concerns seriously. I was placed into a room at the ER to await CT scans and an MRI of my brain to see if something was going on... well, sadly, something was going on. I had a baseball sized lesion in the right frontal lobe that was causing a headache for a week or so and must have taken over my cognitive thinking. 

Craniotomy was done on December 9 and i was discharged from the hospital on December 11 to recover at home with my family and my pets. 

The same day I was admitted to the hospital, December 7, Audrey had her wisdom teeth removed. Shannon had just got her home from that procedure when i informed him I was being driven to the ER. Talk about a whirlwind for all of us. 

We met with a neurosurgeon who was going to do the craniotomy to remove as much of the tumor as he could. Thankfully, he was able to remove 85-90% of it. Sent a sample to be tested. 

Those words no one ever wants to hear -- "I'm so sorry, but it's cancer" were eventually heard to my ears. As a medical team, we recommend an oral chemotherapy and radiation to control the remaining portion of the tumor.

In the midst of this insane storm, we are so thankful for those who planned for us -- meals, kid activities, pets, a GoFundMe. Truly blessed with an amazing village who circled us in love and support when we wanted to crumble into a ball on the floor. We would have been lost without the Project Managers and their crew making spreadsheets. 

I have been fitted for a radiation mask that will be used starting January 17 for 6 weeks, Monday-Friday in conjunction with an oral chemotherapy. Then, there will be a 4 week break with no treatments before having an MRI see how the remaining tumor reacted to the treatments. If it remains, there may be a second round of chemo only but not everyday. The medical team - oncology, radiology and hematology will discuss and develop a plan to attack. The Penn State Cancer Institute has therapy that I will begin later in January to help process this nightmare and how to talk to my kids about what's going on. We've tried to be honest with them and give them info as we feel they can handle it without trying to overwhelm them... but, let's call a spade a spade -- this is hard and scary. At 15(Audrey), 11(Landon) and 8(Hannah) years old this shouldn't be something they need to worry about.

I'm only accepting positive vibes in 2024. One doesn't realize their own strength until faced with such devastation. But I am competitive and hate to loose. Cancer -- you don't belong in my brain or my body. At this point, I'm roughly 3 weeks post craniotomy. I don't think I could have sat and typed this any sooner. I have been doing puzzles to help work my brain and reconnect some neurons. Each day there are a few more things or activities I can do independently. Some of my fine motor function has been compromised - hoping that returns with some PT/OT and daily use. My speech isn't 100% what is was prior to surgery, but a little better every day. 

At this point, I can only think about taking this journey one step or appointment at a time. More than that is overwhelming and crippling. 

Lucy Girl...

Thursday, October 15, 2015, was a ... well, it was not the day we had planned when we woke that morning. Let me back up ... way back.... 

Always with her people. Landon's 3rd Bday.

My riding buddy to run some errands.

Lucy in Audrey's toddler bed. Just her size!

Two weeks after Shannon & I got married we picked out a scrawny little boxer puppy. Gosh. She had her moments of being completely adorable but also being so stubborn I thought she was me in dog form. She did some basic training, and after she was 3 she finally started to settle down and didn't run away from us when it was time to go inside.

Lucy with her buddies - Neko and Oliver.

And, she was a great dog! Sure, she had her moments of being a dog. Like the time she ate an entire package of potato rolls and and gnawed on an ice cream scoop. Or when she would get into the trash can, and lick the package of corned beef one St. Patrick's Day. Or the way she would slowly get off a chair or couch because she knew she wasn't supposed to be on the furniture.

There's just something about a man and his dog...

Lucy checking up on Neko.

Buddies

Protector.

Within the past few years we had noticed she was favoring a leg every once in a while. A supplement was added to her diet to help with her joints. Honestly, the past year, she had been doing great. You wouldn't have guessed she was an 11 year old boxer. She didn't run as much as she used to, but she could still walk around, go up and down stairs, and wiggle as she did in her younger years.

Landon covered her with a blanket. Sweet kid.

Earlier this year, we took her to the vet because was having difficulty holding urine. It was awful to come into the kitchen with a huge puddle of urine, multiple times in a weekend, a day even. So, she was on meds to help and it really did. She was able to hold her urine or be able to let us know she needed to go outside. 

Nice try Lucy.

From the time that Hannah was born (8.24.15) she had been doing okay, but not great. She would sleep 20 out of a 24 hour span... She's old. She began to throw up.. after meals, before meals, when she had too much water. Not all the time, but it was unusual for her. When Shannon had her at the vet earlier this year, they said her knees may have some arthritis, to keep our eyes on her. Thankfully, at that point, she had stopped going up and down the steps. Her joints just couldn't carry her weight up and down the steps. 

October 2015... I didn't want to have "the talk" with Shannon about her, but man. She had lost a LOT of weight. Her hip bones and spine were becoming more visible as she was loosing muscle mass. It would take her a long time to get up or down, the few steps out the back door were a struggle for her. 

Lucy & Neko became fast friends

Love her!

 

October 6, 2015. Lucy is 12 years old. Wow! I never thought we would have her this long. However, she is not finishing her food, gulping water, but also not being able to keep food and water down. 

October 14, 2015. Shan let her outside and she walked down a small hill.. he noticed how much of a struggle she had to get back up the hill. Her breathing was labored as she came back inside. Heartbreaking to see your "firstborn" fur-baby not the way you remember her. 

A girl and her dog...

October 15, 2015. I'm still on maternity leave and so thankful. I was supposed to have an eye appointment at 2:45pm. Around 1pm I notice that she is started to gag and about to throw up. I scurry her outside through the kitchen, open the garage door for her. She makes it outside onto the driveway then falls down. No, she pretty much collapses on the ground. Awful. I run back inside, grab my phone, call Shannon. I don't know what to do. She won't get up. She can't get up. Eventually she does make it to her feet, but she's having a lot of trouble walking. I carry her. She was so light. Normally, she would struggle and not want to be carried, but she didn't seem bothered by my help. 

Inside. Now what do I do? I cancel my appointment. I can't leave her, or make someone else stay with her. My dog. My baby. I try to see if she can walk. She can, but she's so slow. She won't lay down. I sit down and she lays on me. Can she get up? I try to bribe her with some peanut butter.. she wants it, but she can't move her legs to get closer to the spoon. Damn it. I let Shannon know. We had said, when talking earlier that very day, when she is at the point that she can't move, it's time. Well, it was time. 

I call the vet and make an appointment to bring her in. Thankfully, Hannah slept the afternoon away so Landon and I were able to be on the floor with Lucy. I gather up everyone to meet my mother in law at the vet. Shannon and Audrey will get there after he picks her up. 

Hardest drive ever. I didn't know where to put Lucy. Front seat - no. She can't stand the whole way to the vet. Move Landon's seat. She can lay down. When we get to the parking lot of the vet, she isn't even on the seat. She had fallen off and couldn't get back up on the seat. I had park next someone who is coming out, I ask if she needs to get it ... blur of a conversation. She carries Lucy in for me.

Saying goodbye is so hard..

We will miss you, Lucy

Landon giving Lucy kisses

Audrey snuggling Lucy

Our family saying goodbye to a great dog.

So hard...

The vet techs have a blanket on the floor for her. I can't believe it. This sucks. I don't want to let go of my dog. 

Even though it's such a hard thing to do, I want to remember. I take pictures with Lucy. Everyone, minus Hannah (sleeping in her car seat) have pictures with Lucy on her last day with us. Shannon and Audrey come in. Both so upset. We all are. But, we also remember all the time we had with Lucy. The 12 wonderful years we had with her. Not too many boxer parents have that long with their fur baby. 

Shannon's mom takes Audrey and Landon to the waiting room as we spend a few moments with her. The techs come in, do what they need to do.. She's completely calm. She didn't flinch, she wasn't aggressive, she was calm. She wasn't scarred. She was ready. That made it somewhat easier for us, but still one of the hardest things we had to make a decision to do. 

She's at peace. She's free. She can run and play. 

Hanging with her favorite people

October 16, 2015. It's weird without her. She wasn't asleep on my side of the bed. I didn't have to step over her. I wasn't lulled to sleep with her snoring. I didn't have to step over her as she laid in the bedroom doorway. I didn't have to step over her on the rug. She's not here. Only one dog went outside today. Only one dog was fed today. I thought I heard her nails on the floor, but it was phantom noises. I thought I heard her snoring. Makes my chest hurt. 



Lucy was always there since Shannon and I have been married. She was there when we brought home all of our children. She was there when we brought home another dog. She was there when we lost Sam and she was there when we brought home Neko. She was there when we moved, twice. She was there when we changed jobs. She was there when we had bad days, and when we had good days. Looking back at photos, I see her in the background of a lot of photos. She's in almost every photo I took when I was taking belly shots when pregnant with Hannah. 

Kisses!

Even in the loud moments, she was close.

Protecting her people.

Keeping a close eye on her people

Close by in special times of lives.

To have a Boxer in your life is so special. Lucy was very protective of her people. She would let something happen to her before one of loved ones was hurt. Lucy was so tolerant of Audrey and Landon in their young years. She didn't like it when anyone touched her feet.. and she would get up and walk away if she was done. 

She loved to be with her people

Lucy girl, we love you and we will miss you. However, in our sadness we also know that you aren't in pain. You are able to run again. You can hunker down, get ready to run and then take off to get a frisbee. You hold a very special spot in our hearts and family. Rest in peace, Lucy girl... rest in peace. 

Lucy Brown. 10.6.03-10.15.15

The bitter time of the holidays.

I know I have blogged in the past about "Dark Days" .. (I always think of Gilmore Girls and Luke's Dark Day when he's mourning his father's death). Today, this week, this month... well, I've had a few dark days. I don't know if it's from all the change that we have experienced, the small things that trigger a memory, the idea of planting a garden in the spring, the wondering, the drive past the cemetery... Or the combination of everything.

It would be easy to feel sorry for myself, and yes, I am taking today to do just that. I do wonder what kind of a relationship I would have had with them.. and if I would have had any siblings.. or who I would be TODAY. Today, December 18, 2013. Thirty-one years after they have passed away. Thirty-one years. My dad would have been 55 years old, and my mom would have celebrated her 50th birthday a week ago. However, I can't live in the what could have been, or the what if, or the could have... I have chosen to embrace a gift that my parents weren't given.

When I sit back and think about it, I have already been able to do so much more than they ever could -- I am in my 30's. I was able to see and be with my daughter for her 1st birthday... and I am so thankful I have been able to see her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and am looking forward to seeing her 6th birthday in March. I am thankful she has a sibling and I have seen him grow into this amazing little boy who has me tightly wrapped around his little finger. I am so thankful to have seen him grow his first year of life, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for him. I am thankful for the past 10 years with my husband. Life could have been a very different deck of cards for me but I am so ... ridiculously grateful for how life.

Newspaper clippings from my parent's accident (December 1982)

A friend of mine from college was at my work a short time ago. I lost it thinking about my dad and how much he liked her.. and how much it meant to me that she attended his funeral. This time of the year reminds me of a particular Christmas and a holiday party we went to. The hosts of the party (to about a hundred or so people) selected my dad to "sing" in the 12 Days of Christmas. He hated every single second of that.. and every time he had to "sing" Three French Hens I think my mom slid more in her seat until she was almost under the table. It makes me laugh with tears in my eyes thinking about that memory.

This past May it has been 12 years since he said goodbye to his pain, suffering, and met his Jesus. I miss him. I know I could use him this spring and summer when we plant a garden. When I was growing up, my dad had two HUGE gardens. You name the food and there's a good chance he could grow it. The garden will be in his honor and memory. I also see time in the garden as time to talk to him. So, if I give you some food next spring/summer, and it's a little extra salty, it's love from shedding happy tears.

He taught me to be honest, to speak when it's necessary, but also to be true. He taught me to love life because we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. He taught me to be thankful for what I have because it could be taken away in an instant.

I have chosen to see things differently. To be cautious. But to love those around me passionately. I want my kids to know DAILY I love them. I am thankful for them. I hate yelling at them, but I also want them to grow up to be respectful adults. I want my husband to know I am so thankful for him. He is my rock. He has been through the good and bad with me. He stood next to me as we said goodbye to my dad.

At this time of the year we tend to think about presents... Today is a present. I am so thankful I can open that box today, and I hope I can continue to open the day for a long time.