Good person.... Bad stuff.

I've been very thoughtful the past 24 hours. This is probably the most productive way for me to expel my thoughts into words, as well  as actions. 

Faith. How do I describe what faith is to someone? Specifically someone who may not have faith. I have faith in God.. but I think I may rely more on the hope than anything else. Why? I've had a lot of shit in my 30 years of life, but I'm still vertical. I'm in the process of making sure I am doing what I believe and am commanded to do. It's been a change, and it will be a touch, but so rewarding road. 

Today I was talking to a friend who has had similar life experiences. (Total shout out to her, Trish, right now. Check out her blog --- http://cherrysocks.wordpress.com/ --- it's funny, honest, raw, and inspiring.) Why do we keep things we are going through, went through, experienced to ourselves? Do we have any idea how theraputic it could be to another who is currently going through tough times? I'm challenging myself to live each day as if it were my last. That may mean saying the tough, honest, raw things about my life to another. 

So, back to faith, hope... Life is never easy. Where is the challenge in something that's EASY? We ALL have our hardships. Some are at varying degrees of difficulty, but everyone experiences pain, difficulty, and death. However, how one may process those seasons of life .... well, that's what can make all of us different. I'm not going to go through my laundry list of pain, difficulty and death. It's there. It's happened. It's my story. It's part of what makes me, me. However, I am trying my darndest to make the best of those difficult times. 

I know if I had been raised differently, wow.. things would be ... I'm actually scared to think of how my life may have been if some of the bad things hadn't happened to me. I am sad and wonder what kind of a relationship I would have had with my birth parents, and if I would have had siblings... But, I have friends and family that I wouldn't have in my life if their tragedy hadn't happen almost 30 years ago. The older I become the more I miss my daddy (technically my grandfather) and I wish he could have seen and met his (great) grandchildren. He would have loved them. But, I am able to tell my kiddos about their grandfather, his garden, his heart, and Heaven. If we hadn't experienced our miscarriages I don't think I'd be as thankful for my kiddos as I am. Audrey is learning so much at preschool and she LOVES it. Landon is such a happy baby and he has been such a beautiful blessing to our family. I almost forgot someone super important to me -- if my life had been different, I'm 100% sure I wouldn't have such an amazing husband. Shannon, I love you. I am so thankful for you. You and your family have been such a blessing to me. 

That being said, there is a song we sing at church that I think sums up how life is for all of us. 

Beautiful Things - Gungor 

All this pain  

I wonder if I'll ever find my way? 

I wonder if my life could really change at all?  

All this earth  

Could all that is lost ever be found?  

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

 
You make beautiful things 

 You make beautiful things out of the dust  

You make beautiful things  

You make beautiful things out of us

 
All around  

Hope is springing up from this old ground  

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things 

 You make beautiful things out of the dust  

You make beautiful things  

You make beautiful things out of us

 
Oh, you make beautiful things  

You make beautiful things out of the dust  

You make beautiful things  

 You make beautiful things out of us

 
You make me new, 

You are making me new  

You make me new, 

You are making me new  

Making me new

 

Golden Rule

So, we all know the golden rule -- 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

But, what if we lived each day that way? And took it a step further -- live life as if it were your last. What would you do? Who would you want to spend your time with? Seriously, what would you do if you knew today was your last day on earth? Take another step -- what if we also treated OTHERS as if today was THEIR last day? Imagine how DIFFERENT the world would be if we actually lived this way?

My brain has been swimming today -- thinking a lot about how I live my life. This blog may be short, but there may be a part 2 at a later date.

Thankful.

(I've already grabbed two tissues because I'm having an emotionally thankful day!!!)

Shannon sent me a link to an amazing story today. I will share a brief story as well as the link for you. I can't imagine being a mom with a four year old (that part I can imagine) and my dear, sweet, innocent, naive, amazing four year old has cancer. How can I fix that? I can fix boo boos, bumps, ouchies, with kisses, band-aids, or an ice pack, but how can you fix cancer for a 4 year old?

 http://rockstarronan.com/ <-- read their story. It will change you.

To fight their cancer Maya got a hold of Taylor Swift. She wrote a song in tribute to this little boys short life. Every purchase of this song, the monies are being donated to pediatric cancer research. The song is amazing, touching, personal, and raw.

Today I am doing a fundraiser with a friend to remember a precious little boys life. Today I am very thankful for my two healthy, happy kiddos. Today I am thankful for the struggles I have endured and survived because I'm stronger because of it. Today I am thankful to be able to do something today. Today. I don't know what tomorrow, if it comes to me, will bring, but so far, I know what my today. 

My blessings :)

Landon

Oh this little boy has my wrapped around his little finger :) I am so thankful he has been such an amazing blessing to our family. Seeing his smile daily alleviates the pain from the miscarriages. I do wonder what those individuals would have been like, but then I stop and think about the blessings I can surround in my arms and cry. 

Landon loves his family and it's so amazing to see his face light up when one of us enter the room. He's loving his cereal, or almost any food for that matter. He loves to snuggle, eat my hair, putter around in the walker, and watch the world enfold around him. 

I am so excited to see what kind of a little boy - and man - he will grow up to become. But for right now, I am loving (almost) every minute of him being a baby. 

(Landon -- I know this one is shorter than your sister's.. However, I have had a few more years to spend time with her. However, I am so excited to see you grow up. If you can, not too quick, I want to enjoy watching you grow up. You are my blessing after a time of disappointments. You helped to heal my broken heart, spirit, and uterus. Thank you. I love you little boy and I am so thankful to have you as my son.

xo

Your Mama)

Audrey

I am having a mommy moment and I need to share it. Audrey and I are just hanging out together, chilling while Landon naps. I am crying looking at her. Where have the past 4 years gone? I think back to the days that she was a baby, and it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. She's able to do so much on her own, she hangs out with the big kids (since she looks like she's 5+) and can hold her own with the big kids! Her imagination runs wild and it's crazy to listen to her and the ideas that she develops. I love when she calls me - Momma and I hope that continues f-o-r-e-v-e-r :) Her brain never stops thinking, moving, questioning, and she can't always get out every question or statement. 

The older she becomes the more I see myself in her. I realize I am raising a mini adult, my mini-me. I want her to be a confident, but aware of others. I want her to be soft to others, but stand up for herself and what she believes in. I want her to be smart, but not arrogant about her brains. I want her to be fashionable, fit, but also modest and content with her body and shape. 

I love her sense of humor, her laugh, her imagination, her quirks, and her. She's the combination of my husband and me and she is both of us in one. She's amazing, beautiful, adventurous, funny ... she's Audrey and I love her.


(Audrey, baby girl, I love you. I can't believe I have been blessed to have you in my life as my daughter. You make my days more amusing, entertaining, and interesting. You have taught me how to become a better person and how to really listen to another. Thank you. Thank you for being such an amazing girl. I love you, this moment we are in and I can't wait to see what you are going to do next.
xo
Your Momma)

Crazy people

I remember like it was yesterday, and it was really 11+ years ago, people would come up to me at my dad's viewing/funeral saying it must have been God's will for him to pass. In my head, that's bull. He fought his body and disease for years. He was done fighting. I'm not saying he gave up.. I know there are things he would have loved to have seen and be a part of - see me graduate from college, helping to plan and be a part of my wedding, watching Shannon and me get married, see his great grandchildren, see our home and help us move in, paint, clean, help me with a small garden (next summer!).... He was young (early 60's) when he breathed his last. If he wasn't sick, I know he'd still be outside gardening and loving life. I smile with tears in my eyes when Audrey says she wants to be a farmer. He would have loved spending time with her. But, this is life. And life doesn't always happen as our dreams or hopes do.

I hated when people came up to me/us and said it was God's will. Why would God want those left behind to be hurting? Sure, we knew it was coming, but you can only prepare so much and then reality of this person NOT being in your world ... becomes just that - a reality. A very harsh reality that hit me in the face, and still does. I miss him. I've had dreams about him and I don't want to wake up. When I sit still and just think about him, this is my picture - No shirt, super dark skin from gardening (I missed that gene somehow!), usually blue pants, not jeans, but pants. A trucker-like hat on his head that covers his full head of dark hair. And his water jug in hand. Always had the water jug of ice water at home. Oh, and the big "Tony smile". 

(I realize as I continue to type this blog should probably be split into two... but my brain brought these thoughts together. So they are going to stay together)

There has been a bit of weird stuff going on in the world.. Even though (in my opinion) God is ultimately in control .... people are still crazy. I also think in the crazy times, God sits back and lets the crazy happen. Granted, He already knows what the outcome is going to be, and how we will all react to it, but WE don't know what's going to happen or how WE are going to react to massive chaos. Do we yell, scream, curse, and question? Of course. But, do we also look for the slight sliver of a silver lining? It's not the easy thing to do, and it may take a while to find the positive, but it's floating out there somewhere. When we sit in the quiet we can find the good..


Bad things happen to good people, just as easily as good things can happen to bad people. There is a local family that is dealing with the death of three family members, and a four year old girl who watched all this happen by her father. It breaks my heart thinking that girl is the same age as my daughter. However, I do know from personal experience good can come from that little girl and I pray for her and her future. She has an amazing opportunity to take a terrible situation and make some good out of it.


What I am not saying is that we need to accept the crazy. Because, really, we don't have a choice! The crazy is going to follow (sorry to be a ball buster!!). We live in an imperfect world. Shit happens. But we learn from mistakes, errors, issues, chaos, and attempt to better ourselves. The news is FULL of the negative... We only get a paper on Sunday, and really that's for the coupons and sale flyers. I rarely listen to the news because it's depressing. What sane person would want to openly invite negativity into your heart and mind? Sadly, there are times it comes at us full force and we need to deal with it (see blog post about social media!).


I'm challenging myself to do the extra. Go above what is necessary when I can. Go with my gut. Listen to that small voice. I believe the world can have less crazy in it for my children.

Social Media

I don't like confrontation. I don't like being in the middle of an argument. I do like being challenged in my thinking, but with time to think and formulate a reply. I do like people who stand up for what they believe in, even when it's hard. In some - alright, let's be honest - in MOST cases, I have the philosophy that it's ok to agree to disagree. 

That being said... I have been conflicted with two different aspects of social media. On one side it's political, and individual opinions about various topics. On a different side, it's a chance to ask for help, but also be able to encourage said party that is desperate.

The past day or two I've had a very heavy heart (and a gnarly sunburn that has caused me to not want to move. When am I going to learn that I must be WHITE with lotion before stepping foot into the sunlight?! Granted, my daughter has crazy bathing suit lines - so glad she tans!! .... wow, bunny trail....) and been very thoughtful. Unless you are living under a rock you can assume what I'm referring to. (However, in a year I may will not remember. So here are a few bullet points for MY sake - Colorado massacre, Olympics, Chick-fil-a, gay rights, what is marriage, babies in the hospital, Audrey getting ready for pre-school, Landon is almost 7 months old... this list could go on, but that should suffice for me). 

I prefer to end things on a high note, some type of encouragement. At church on Sunday I was introduced to a marathon runner, Ryan Hall. I'll probably never really meet him, but the little bit of his story that I now know amazes and challenges me as a human and a wanna be runner. He didn't have a human coach.. on an entry form he needed to list the name of a coach. Ryan put God. Officials told Ryan that they needed a PERSON. I'm sure Ryan and God have a lot of talks while he's pounding the pavement, and He is probably more encouraging than a human coach. Here is an excerpt from his book "Running with Joy"  ---

“All of us, fast and slow alike, can experience something that is just as sweet as winning. My message is that even if you don’t land on the podium or run a personal best, even if you have a bad workout or are struggling with an injury, you can experience joy to the fullest.”

Today, live your life to your fullest. You never know when it may be your last. What kind of an impact does your life, your words, your attitude, etc may have on another??

(By the way, I am totally following Ryan {RyanHall3} on twitter now. Be on the look out for retweets.)