So, it's been a while...

It's amazing when life seems to be going well, we tend to forget about the little things. So, I want to take some time while I am half remembering and update on what's been going on in the Brown home:

Shannon is healthy, happy, and doing well. His job keeps him busy, but since he is also involved in a lot of groups, he has been having more dinners with us during the week -- YAY! He's also been working more Fridays, which gives him a different day off -- Sunday. Which also means we are able to spend time together as a family. And, I L-O-V-E that.

Audrey is a active, healthy, always talking 3 year old. She has gotten into My Little Pony and her imagination is amazing. I can't believe some of the things she comes up with. She's always talking to her dolls, princesses, My Little Ponies, etc.. She's also loving the idea that soon she will be a big sister. 

Leroy. He is an active little man at times! We have had little to no issues with this pregnancy. As of today, I am 32 weeks pregnant and the biggest complaint is that I can't do as much as I would like around the house, it may take 2 days to do something, or *gasp* I need to ask for help. Shannon has been amazing at picking up where I can't complete a task and I so appreciate his help around the house. Maybe this is why we have winter babies -- not as much to do outside so he can help inside.

And the person I probably have the hardest time talking about -- myself :) Over the summer I started selling Scentsy - www.brandiebrown.scentsy.us - and I love it! Scentsy is a flame-less wax bases system that literally fills our entire home with amazing scents. I'm so thankful Scentsy is providing some extras for my family and I can't wait to see what the possibilities are for the future. 

The pregnancy really is going well, and I can't believe we are almost to the end. It feels like this one went by so much faster than Audrey's. I love taking those special moments to rest, and feel him move around. The miracle of birth is mind blowing. How can a sperm and egg meet and then become a person? I've been having thoughts about what he will look like. Will he be blonde like Audrey, or actually look a little like me? Will he be a spitting image of his Daddy, or actually look a little like me? Can you tell I wonder if I had any part of Audrey's look for the first year or so of her life?? :) 

We are thankful and blessed. At this time of the year, I also tend to reflect on what happened the past year and what we may have to look forward to in the next. I am thankful for the struggle of this past year, because the struggle made me so much more thankful for the life that's growing inside of me. I can't wait to see what this little man does in our family, and in his lifetime.

Our past makes our present, and can help shape our future

Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's me being sentimental, but there are some days I think more about where I have come from, and what has shaped me to be the person that I am. 


I have a customer at the bank who is the sweetest man who recently lost his wife to breast cancer. Even though she is gone, you can still feel the love he had, and will forever have for her. When he talks about her, I am flashing back to when my dad was very sick.. Even writing this, of course, brings tears to my eyes. There are days I think about him and miss him more than others. 


It's crazy to think he passed away over 10 years ago. An entire decade. There is so much I have done, that I know he would have been so proud of -- graduating from college, getting married, buying a house, having a baby... He would have loved Audrey, and the feeling is so mutual. The girl wants to be a farmer - just like him. He was such a gentle man.. hardly ever raised his voice... but when he spoke, people listened. 


There will be times that I think about him and weep.. There are other times I think of him and laugh until it almost hurts. One Christmas we went to a dinner and a show. The hosts wanted volunteers from the audience to sing the 12 Days of Christmas. My dad couldn't sing worth a darn and he was chosen, to sing 3 French Hens. The first time he "sang" the crowd erupted with laughter.. poor man. My mom wanted to crawl under the table and hide. The gentleman who was picked to sing 5 Golden Rings truly is a singer.. Bad news for my dad. After that point, he wanted nothing more than to join my mom under the table :) I can't hear the song without smiling with tears in my eyes. 


He may not have been a highly educated man, but he was an honest, hard working, God loving man. He learned from the land, and taught what he knew to his children and family. I hope that I can teach my family things he taught me. 


There are other days I think about the parents I never knew.. and wonder about them - their voice, their actions, their habits, their way of life, their.. their beings. It will be 29 years this year... they were killed in a horrible car accident a week before Christmas. I was 8 months old. (When I say 'mom' or 'dad', it's actually my grandparents who took the role of being parents again.) I have a few things that were their's -- wedding bands, a shelf full of photo albums (so thankful she took a lot of photos and dated things!), letters, yearbooks, etc. But, I don't know THEM. Stories don't always do justice for me.. I'm hoping to someday be able to meet them.. 


With that being said.... almost 29 years ago my dad developed a disease that caused his body to not be able to process the iron in his body. Extremely rare.. doctors told him it could, and probably, would turn into leukemia. For years, he was doing well.. but then he needed to have blood transfusion and spent many hours in the hospital. My freshman year of college was bittersweet experience. I love the independence and freedom of dorm life, but I was also 3 hours from home. My spring semester he was in Hershey and doctors had confirmed his disease had turned into leukemia, and gave him 3-6 months to live. He and I drove home from college, loving the solo time together. I have no idea what the conversations may have been about. We may have just sat in silence and enjoyed each other's company. Mother's Day had a lot of bittersweet thoughts all jumbled into one day for me... I love being honored as a mother, but it's also the same day we had to say goodbye to an amazing man. Long story short, he had a brain aneurism. We came home, called family to let them know what was happening, and kept him as comfortable as possible. (If any of the amazing nurses or doctors ever read this, thank you for taking care of Anthony "Tony" Angle. You know as well as we, his family, know that regardless of how he felt, he had a smile on his face. Thank you). 


His funeral was a celebration of his life.. He was no longer suffering, no longer in pain, no longer attached to medicines, no longer needing to spend time in a hospital... FREE. Free. He is free. Free to dance, free to sing, free to sing well, free to be with his Jesus.. and I hope free to be with the daughter and son-in-law he lost too soon. Free. FREE. Like I stated above, he is missed, he is never forgotten.. As are my parents. Of course, I don't have the memories with them, but I have a lot of ME that I think is part of THEM. 


Time heals all wounds... but there are times those wounds do need some TLC. For me, being pregnant must be the time to revisit and open those wounds. It's not a bad thing.. Granted, Shannon may ask when he gets home why I've been crying, but it's the hormones... and thinking of the past, wishing some of those amazing people who I no longer have in my life, could be able to be with me during some of my life experiences. I know, they are 'with' me, but I would love to have them WITH me - in the flesh, not in the spirit. 


Our pasts shape our presents, and prepare us for our futures. However, we may need to separate the pasts from the presents to be able to move on to the future. May we never forget our pasts, love our presents, and look forward to the futures. 

Contentment

It's so much easier to write, vent, expel feelings when you are down. However, I also want to take this time when things are going well for my family to enjoy and revel in our happiness. 

On Monday, we will be 12 weeks pregnant. Almost through the first trimester and feeling amazing. No major illness, a few aversions, and I've had a lot of extra hours of sleep. However, I really can't complain about this pregnancy so far. As a family, we are calling this almost plum size human in my stomach "Leroy"... for now, maybe until he/she is born even. Even Audrey has gotten on the Leroy ship - it's cute! We don't take for granted what we have now, and we are so thankful to be at this point. 

I am thankful our home is safe, our cars are functioning, our family is healthy and our jobs are paying us. There are always a few hiccups along the road - oops on the checking account (so thankful for a savings that doubles as overdraft protection!), double booking ourselves for appointments, last minute schedule changes, but overall, we are thankful.

Shannon, when you read this (because I'm sure you will at some point...) thank you for everything you have helped me with the past weeks and months. The pas year has been a roller coaster for us. I am so thankful and blessed to be able to call you my husband. I love you, babe..

Third time may really be a charm!

Wow. God is good

May 6 I was totally expecting my cycle to begin.. Took a pregnancy test in case. As soon as the window was filled, my test immediately showed 2 lines ..... 2 very dark, matching lines. 

Given my history, my doctor wanted to run some blood work to see my hcg level as well as my progesterone level. Hcg was were it should be... Progesterone results weren't back until Monday (May 9) but came back normal. It's amazing what prenatal vitamins can do!!!! My doctor wanted to do another round of blood work to make sure my hcg levels were increasing as they are supposed to. Lab results came back May 10 -- results are increasing as they should be. Doctor is reassured, I am relieved and happy. 

More blood work May 12 to make sure hcg continues to rise. My new set of numbers brought a sigh of relief and peace. My numbers quadrupled!!!!! 

Fast forward to today, June 6. We were (not so) patiently waiting for this appointment. Seeing a heart beat and hearing the midwife say things look good makes us feel so much better. The past year has been a roller coaster for us. My original plan was to already be a family of four..... God knew better and knew my three year daughter would require too much attention :) 

We are happy, excited, and so thankful. Plus, I don't know how much longer I could hide my growing bump ;)

Rant

Rant blog

So one may think that me being (still!!!!!) a 20-something this wouldn't bother me, but it does. Maybe it's because of where I work or I want to respect others and feel completely disrespected when they do this to me. I don't know but I've gotten more vocal. Still wondering what I'm talking about???


Drive thru, lobby, whatever I hate ... no maybe even loathe people who expect me to complete their transaction while they chat with a friend on their cell phone!!!! Even WORSE is someone on a blue tooth and I don't see it. Are you talking to me?? Then I get the face of - are you kidding me? While they point to the blue tooth. Yes, I do have a cell phone AND a blue tooth but they are used in the right location. If I need to ask a question when I'm at the store, it's quick then focus on the cashier. 

In the lobbies of my bank there is a sign that tells customers to end all cell phone conversations prior to seeing a teller. I am not your maid, do not get my attention by tapping your fingers, and don't tell me to wait. I AM a bank teller, I will process your transaction with ease and get you out the door so you can finish your important phone call. I may ask you to end your call, or wait on the person behind you. There are times I do need to ask questions and I WILL interrupt your phone call ---- ON PURPOSE!!!!!


While I'm ranting..... I do not want to know your personal drama. Quite frankly, I don't care. I will put on a polite smile and pray to God that you quickly leave. Again, I am a bank teller, not a therapist. What you and your family do behind closed doors needs to stay there, please! I beg you. Yes, we do try to develop professional relationships with customers to make sure their needs are being met. But we don't need - or want - to know everything. 

Last, don't be an arse. Here are a few more of my personal pet peeves:


1. No rolled coin in the drive thru means JUST that. At my branch I have to carry my drawer with YOUR rolled coin up stairs, down the hall, open a door with a security code, and then sit it down. It's too heavy. And, no, I will not get rolled coin from my station upstairs for you. 

2. There is a limit as to how much money we can take at certain times. Two examples: after the lobby is closed, you will only get $1,000.00 at the drive thru. Why? We do NOT have unlimited resources. There are other people in the world besides yourself. Second example - there is a chance that the check you are trying to cash, we don't have the currency for you. I had to use this example for a customer yesterday. We order what we need, just like a restaurant. They wouldn't order more food because the food would spoil. We don't order more currency and coin than we need to service our customers. If you want to take out thousands of dollars in currency --- call ahead. 

3. Have your stuff together. It is not my job to fill out your deposit slip. It is my job to verify and make sure it is correct. Don't know how? Ask. We are more than happy to teach how to do things correctly. If you want your bills back a certain way either write it down, or say so BEFORE I start to count back your money. 

4. I am the bank teller. Don't question my job. There are reasons I have to do things a certain way. I want to protect you, your money, and your credit. If it's an odd transaction for you or the check looks funny, I will ask questions. 

5. You are at the bank. I can tell you if the phone company, credit card company, gas company, etc has presented your check. I can not tell you if you are late or if you will have something turned off. 

6. Please and thank you will get you almost whatever you want. Be polite to me and I will be polite to you. Manners will win you over. Try "may I" versus "gimme". 

If you stayed with me until the end, I hope you were able to find humor in my frustrations. I really do enjoy what I do, but there are days I need to vent :)

I'm not broken!!!

So I'm normal, not broken and ready to conceive a baby :) as long as we don't have another miscarriage we will try to do things as naturally as possible. We feel ready to move to the next phase. She suggested eating a healthy diet, exercising, taking prenatal vitamins, and drinking lots of fluids. Basically things I am, and need to continue, to make a part of my life. Shannon and I agree that if we have a third miscarriage in this phase of our lives then we would seek help from a fertility specialist. Hearing what the doctor had to say made us feel better knowing that the miscarriages may have been God's way of preventing more heart ache later. Her biggest advice -- don't stress. Yes, that is much easier said than done and advice I have heard a lot the past year. 

We would have loved to have a medical reason for the miscarriage, but early miscarriages happen so often with little to no reason. Our doctor didn't seem too worried which also puts us more at ease with our situation.

It is my hope that the next few months I will be able to bring some good news to you. Stay tuned :) 

Silence

SILENCE 

Jars of Clay 

The Eleventh Hour

Take, take till there’s nothing, nothing to turn to. 

Nothing when you get through. 

Won’t you break, scatter pieces of all I’ve been. 

Bowing to all I’ve been running to. 

I, I got a question, I got a question - Where are you? 

 Did you leave me unbreakable? 

Leave me frozen? 

I’ve never felt so cold. 

I thought you were silent. 

I thought you left me for the wreckage and the waste. 

On an empty beach of faith. 

Was it true? 

Scream, deeper I wanna scream. 

I want you to hear me, I want you to find me. 

I want to believe but all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone. 

I, I got a question, I got a question - Where are you? Where are you?

I love Jars of Clay. The lyrics have a way of penetrating your soul, breaking your spirit, but also lifting you up to the point of dancing. On our way home from church today Shannon mentioned this song to me.. This goes hand in hand with a sermon about doubt. Asking, pleading to God -- where are you? Why did you leave me? When in reality, it's the silence that can bring the healing. Silence isn't always a bad thing.. There's a comfort in being with others and not needing to fill the emptiness with a voice or a conversation. I am starting to learn that in the silence is when our questions may be answered. 

In October, so many people were pregnant, and I think instead of sharing the amazing experience of new life I'm going to be flying solo with the next pregnancy. This month, Audrey has let her terrible 3's fly and I am believing God knows we couldn't handle her and a newborn at the same time. By the time another baby does roll around --- I am believing and putting faith in God that we will carry another full term baby --- she will be potty trained, a helper, and almost 4 :) 

I'd much rather leave you, or rather myself, on a positive note. Regardless of what's going on, God will be there.. Here's another Jars of Clay song ---

GOD WILL LIFT UP YOUR HEAD
traditional words by Paul Gerhardt (trans. John Wesley, alt. by Jars of Clay) / music by Jars of Clay

Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head

Doubt

Psalm 10:17 (Contemporary English Version)

You listen to the longings of those who suffer. You offer them hope, and you pay attention to their cries for help.

For all of you folks who were at Life House East (LHE) today... you know what was said in the service. We debated about staying home today. I am so glad we rushed around and decided to go to church. It was one of those days I was glad I didn't have a lot of time to get ready because most of my make up was in a tissue by the end of the service. 

Doubt. Fear. Unknown. Worry. I used to think of those words as a bad thing... however, after today I am changing those words to also include trust, faith and obedience. Today was a message I needed to hear. It's ok for me to have doubts, worries, fears because those feelings also are bringing me closer to God -- having faith, hope, and obedience.

Let me back up for those of you who didn't go to LHE today -- when we walked in we were handed a sheet of paper. Shannon and I scrambled in to find a seat (note to self, don't be late again!!!!!) in the back.. The title of the message was Doubt - seemed fitting to title this blog the same. Merriam-Webster defines the word "doubt" as a fear, to lack confidence in. Why do we doubt God? We don't have any reason to lack confidence in Him, but yet we all have days (weeks, months, even years) we doubt Him.

One of the many things about LHE is we talk about practical, human things, like doubt. It's something we all have to deal with. As we walked into the theater today we were handed a piece of paper. We were asked to write something we are currently dealing with the issue of 'doubt' in our lives. Right now, we are dealing with the doubt of ever being able to stay pregnant again. It's been in our thoughts for the past year, more so the last 6 months. Row by row we walked forward, hammered our doubts, fears and worries to a cross and left them there. The crosses after 2 services were overflowing with doubts. Can you imagine the amount of healing we would have if we TALKED about our doubts??

We may not collectively want to talk about our short-comings, troubles, doubts, fears, and worries, but I am starting to think and believe that talking about those things will also bring healing, hope, faith and trust. You cross a bridge, you sit in a chair, you walk up stairs... did you ever stop to think what if that bridge tumbles, what if that chair gives out, what if I fall through those stairs? Probably not unless it's happened to you... I am learning that I need, and can FREELY, put my weight on God and He will carry me through the darkest days of my life.

Raw honesty. Proceed with caution

Selfish.


I'll admit it, I can be very selfish, self-centered, and me focused. I was an only child after all! We all, even if we don't want to admit it, have things we are selfish about, or things we don't like for various reasons. Examples --- a name because of a kid that was in your class you didn't get along with, certain foods, a day of the year because of an event, bugs, experiences, etc....

Let me preface this next statement with my disclaimer ---- if this next statement is you, it is me speaking, not to YOU specifically, but a general statement. Regardless of what is about to leave my fingers, I am happy and excited for you and yours. (this is really tough for me to say about myself, but it is my blog) So, when I see a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant comment, a new baby, etc, my uterus aches. My heart, mind, body and uterus are yearning for a baby. Hearing/reading those words makes me so happy for those individuals, but it's a reminder of what we had, and lost - twice - and are still waiting for.

On my way home from work I was talking to a very dear friend of mine who will have her baby tomorrow. It's been a tough road watching her grow and I didn't. (Her daughter and mine are 6 weeks apart. I thought we would be pregnant buddies again... We both did actually.) I feel like I need to remind myself that I am so excited for them, even though we aren't able to share this experience. However, she IS aware that her son will be "mine" for roughly three hours at a time after they are home ;) Lord knows how many times she has heard --- I am so excited for you.... then she cut me off. She told me she knows, and I think she may have even started to cry with me. Maybe we don't keep as many experiences to ourselves as I originally thought......

It would be so easy to end this on a woe is me note.. However, tomorrow one of my best friends is having a baby.. and I couldn't be happier for her. Am I jealous that I am unable to share the entire experience with her -- of course. But, something I have been learning is everything happens for a reason.. I may not know the reason, but there is a reason I am not in the same place she is. Who knows... maybe it's so I can have a self-centered pregnancy in the months to come... and then she will be able to finish the bottle of wine instead :)

This post took a very different turn than what I was expecting...  our day will come.. and it will be a very happy day.. one that I look forward to sharing, and not being selfish...


(JH - Love you. Can't wait to meet your little man.)

Stories

We each have our own stories... Some funny, some very serious, some boring, some scary, some colorful, some we keep to ourselves and some that we can share with others. So far my story has been selfish --- it is MY blog after all :) --- and I've been writing to expel thoughts that have been almost haunting me for almost a year. We have been on a roller coaster the past year - ups, downs, loops, going forward and then getting thrown into reverse.

Next week I have an appointment with my doctor. Shannon and I have made a list of questions to ask, and hopefully we will get some answers to why we have had two miscarriages in six months. I'm not sure what the next step may be.. I am hoping the next chapters in our story is one full of smiles, hope, and happiness.

Time.

I am reminded of an email I have seen about the various aspects of time. Year, month, week, day, hour, second... It's all mathematical really and there are days I don't always agree with math. But math allows for a black and white answer, right and wrong, first or second, a winner and a loser, a yes or a no.

Time. What is a "right" time to do something? What makes something right for one person but not another?

My time break down.....
Last year we decided it was time to become parents again. We tried for months sometimes with the same basic agenda (c'mon how many ways are there to make a baby!!!) twice with the desired outcome. However, the weeks of waiting for a cycle to start, or a new cycle to begin were torture. Not as much for my dear husband, but he was about done listening to me babble on about what I was thinking, feeling, and wondering. He was, and is, amazing at listening to me :) Back to the weeks..... It was tough. There are some processes that just can't be sped up. I have been noting my cycles for almost a year now and I could predict to the day what I could expect. (All you ladies out there totally know what I'm talking about. Male readers, ask your wife, girlfriend, or your best female friend.) I'm taking creative freedom to flip my seconds and minutes. I would know instantly if I was going to be disappointed and need to go back to the drawing board to try again. If I was wrong, I would have to wait those minutes to see how many lines were going to appear on that stick.

It's amazing to think how quickly things can change.  Woman goes from not pregnant to knowing she's pregnant in a matter of minutes ..... Also in that same frame of time one can go from being pregnant to not.

Time. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is unknown, but today we all have a chance to make a difference and an impact. Make the most of your today while you can.

My 29th Birthday

This is not a reminder, but today is my birthday. Twenty-nine and holding... I am so thankful that I am able to say I am 29, happy, healthy, and - all things considered - loving life. You can't help but smile on your birthday. I'll be honest, today there may be moments I am smiling through tears, like right now. But, there is a new hope coming for me this year, and I am embracing that hope today. Today, I am clinging to this verse -- 

Jeremiah 29:11 - The Message

I (God) know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Round 2... And 3

So, I have ever blogged but I have so many thoughts in my head that need to come out in a written form.

I'm going to go back a year ago, almost to the date. Shannon and I decided it was time for us to try to become parents again. Audrey was roughly 2 years old and we thought 3 years was a good space between - she would be almost potty trained and a huge help. We thought it would be quick since we had a very easy time getting pregnant with her. Months went by, and we kept getting negative tests and disappointment. In October, our luck had changed. We were going to have a Halloween party and I like my rum :) It was roughly around the time I could know f we were expecting or not. The results came with two lines. We were estatic! A fire cracker baby was coming our way! I made my prenatal appointment... Later that night I started bleeding. We were now devastated. Thought we were ok, but another test in the morning resulted in one line. Sigh. To cut this long story short, plus there are bits I don't remember, we had miscarried.

We kept trying and had more disappointment.... I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about our struggles and she reminded me that each pregnancy is different and it will happen. Fast forward to 5 days ago...... We had a positive test Thursday (March 31) and Friday (April 1 - thankfully THAT wasn't a joke!!!) and we thought we were in the clear. Monday, yesterday, I made my prenatal appointment, but wanted a confirmation since I was noticing some bleeding. I knew before I had seen my doctor I was having another miscarriage. Ugh. Really? ANOTHER miscarriage???!!!!?? Couldn't believe it ..... still can't to be honest. My doctor was amazing and reminded me I am still young and still have years to bear children but I really wanted THAT blob of cells as my birthday present or an early Christmas present...... Blood work showed my hcg levels were very low and I was going to have another miscarriage. In two weeks I'll go back to my doctor and discuss some options and have a Q&A with her....

Today has been a roller coaster. The rain made me feel like God and those who I/we have lost were crying with me/us today.... Then, the sun finally peered through the clouds with the hope of something new and fresh. We are anxious to see what the next chapter holds for us... Anxious to see what the freshness and newness of spring brings our way.

Welcome!

I've never blogged, but I have so many thoughts running in my head that those thoughts need to be expelled. The past year has been a year of good and bad, hopes coming and then fading, a year of smiling, laughing, crying, and being broken. Life is made up of experiences .... This blog will be some of my life experiences that has made me, well, me. So, come, dance with me...