Raw honesty. Proceed with caution

Selfish.


I'll admit it, I can be very selfish, self-centered, and me focused. I was an only child after all! We all, even if we don't want to admit it, have things we are selfish about, or things we don't like for various reasons. Examples --- a name because of a kid that was in your class you didn't get along with, certain foods, a day of the year because of an event, bugs, experiences, etc....

Let me preface this next statement with my disclaimer ---- if this next statement is you, it is me speaking, not to YOU specifically, but a general statement. Regardless of what is about to leave my fingers, I am happy and excited for you and yours. (this is really tough for me to say about myself, but it is my blog) So, when I see a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant comment, a new baby, etc, my uterus aches. My heart, mind, body and uterus are yearning for a baby. Hearing/reading those words makes me so happy for those individuals, but it's a reminder of what we had, and lost - twice - and are still waiting for.

On my way home from work I was talking to a very dear friend of mine who will have her baby tomorrow. It's been a tough road watching her grow and I didn't. (Her daughter and mine are 6 weeks apart. I thought we would be pregnant buddies again... We both did actually.) I feel like I need to remind myself that I am so excited for them, even though we aren't able to share this experience. However, she IS aware that her son will be "mine" for roughly three hours at a time after they are home ;) Lord knows how many times she has heard --- I am so excited for you.... then she cut me off. She told me she knows, and I think she may have even started to cry with me. Maybe we don't keep as many experiences to ourselves as I originally thought......

It would be so easy to end this on a woe is me note.. However, tomorrow one of my best friends is having a baby.. and I couldn't be happier for her. Am I jealous that I am unable to share the entire experience with her -- of course. But, something I have been learning is everything happens for a reason.. I may not know the reason, but there is a reason I am not in the same place she is. Who knows... maybe it's so I can have a self-centered pregnancy in the months to come... and then she will be able to finish the bottle of wine instead :)

This post took a very different turn than what I was expecting...  our day will come.. and it will be a very happy day.. one that I look forward to sharing, and not being selfish...


(JH - Love you. Can't wait to meet your little man.)