So, I have ever blogged but I have so many thoughts in my head that need to come out in a written form.
I'm going to go back a year ago, almost to the date. Shannon and I decided it was time for us to try to become parents again. Audrey was roughly 2 years old and we thought 3 years was a good space between - she would be almost potty trained and a huge help. We thought it would be quick since we had a very easy time getting pregnant with her. Months went by, and we kept getting negative tests and disappointment. In October, our luck had changed. We were going to have a Halloween party and I like my rum :) It was roughly around the time I could know f we were expecting or not. The results came with two lines. We were estatic! A fire cracker baby was coming our way! I made my prenatal appointment... Later that night I started bleeding. We were now devastated. Thought we were ok, but another test in the morning resulted in one line. Sigh. To cut this long story short, plus there are bits I don't remember, we had miscarried.
We kept trying and had more disappointment.... I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about our struggles and she reminded me that each pregnancy is different and it will happen. Fast forward to 5 days ago...... We had a positive test Thursday (March 31) and Friday (April 1 - thankfully THAT wasn't a joke!!!) and we thought we were in the clear. Monday, yesterday, I made my prenatal appointment, but wanted a confirmation since I was noticing some bleeding. I knew before I had seen my doctor I was having another miscarriage. Ugh. Really? ANOTHER miscarriage???!!!!?? Couldn't believe it ..... still can't to be honest. My doctor was amazing and reminded me I am still young and still have years to bear children but I really wanted THAT blob of cells as my birthday present or an early Christmas present...... Blood work showed my hcg levels were very low and I was going to have another miscarriage. In two weeks I'll go back to my doctor and discuss some options and have a Q&A with her....
Today has been a roller coaster. The rain made me feel like God and those who I/we have lost were crying with me/us today.... Then, the sun finally peered through the clouds with the hope of something new and fresh. We are anxious to see what the next chapter holds for us... Anxious to see what the freshness and newness of spring brings our way.
Reading this, reminds me of my pain. I so wish I could take the pain away. I know you and your husband are hurting. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Brandie! I'm so sorry you are going through this. My heart is breaking for you, Shannon, and Audrey.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is when you want a baby so badly and it just isn't turning our the way you expect it to. It took us over 3.5 years to conceive Marli. We went through at least 6 rounds of clomid and then went on to the Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. We conceived Marli through IUI on the second try. The only reason it wasn't the first cycle was because I was too fertile. They wouldn't even do the procedure.
And here we are again....I am now a stay at home mom married to a wonderful man who is now self employed. We don't have insurance that will pay for IUI this time (thanks citibank!). I am trusting that if God thinks that we are able to handle another child He will most certainly bless us with one. Until/if then I thank Him everyday that He trusted me enough to care for one of His children. She is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.
Brandie, if you ever need a shoulder or to talk I am here.
Love,
Melanie
I forgot to mention that I will be praying for you.
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